08-20-2011 (a second entry)

08-20-2011 (a second entry)

I just don't deserve to call You anything. I feel so hopeless. These past couple days have been soul torture. If You give me another chance, I will NEVER go a day without reading and/or praying AGAIN. NEVER, Lord.

But I've made that promise so many times before, and I keep slipping back into lukewarmness!...

I WANT to know YOU, LORD! I HATE separation. Spiritual turmoil...

I've even considered doing penance, like cutting myself...or something like that...but You don't call Your children to purposefully HARM ourselves, or make ourselves miserable.

God, I just need to know that You're willing to give me a second chance. I hate this soul angst, always wondering if I'm saved, day in and day out. Today, my heart has been condemning me like NONE OTHER. Who knew that three days' worth of noncommunication could result in SO MANY feelings of damnation...

I just hate this. Hate, hate, hate it. I HAVE to know that You still love me. That I'm not the exception to Your love, forgiveness, and salvation. Because I feel like I am. I feel as though I'm the only soul in the world that can't come to You.

THAT'S IRRATIONAL! My heart is literally demented! I don't know why I put myself through SO MUCH GUILT! Why do I force myself to suffer, as though SUFFERING will EARN me Grace?!?!?!

I HAVE to stop beating myself up over this! I know the things I've done wrong are in the past...please, help me believe.

The End

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