08-15-2011, part one
"I love You." "I love You." "I love You." I always say those words. I always claim to love You. I finish all my entries by declaring what I claim is true - my "love" for You, followed by three exclamation points and two hearts. Professing my "love" for You has become a daily ritual. Yet my words are empty. I keep falling back into this STUPID mess of cycling in and out of communication - communication with YOU, Who should be ALL that matters on this earth.
I could blame it on You, for not showing Yourself to me in miraculous ways. I could say that You haven't been talking to ME - but that's all because I haven't been watching or listening.
It's all my fault. I take ALL the blame. My choices, my ignorance, my stupidity, my flesh. It's all me. All of it. But the thing is, I keep doing it over and over and OVER again.
If I was treating a boyfriend or husband like this, people would DEFINITELY say I didn't love him. People would say I was FAKING my love for him. He'd probably want to get out of the relationship!
He probably WOULD.
He probably would leave me. Maybe even refuse to return, no matter how much I wanted him back.
God, You haven't left me, have You? You haven't given up on me, have You? If You have, I don't have a reason for living.
What if You DID give up on me? What would I do then? Would I be able to ask You back?
God, You haven't REALLY left, have You?
I know You haven't left me. I feel Your Spirit, stirring in my soul. I feel Your chastisement...yet somehow, I feel Your love, too. You chastise the people You love (everyone, really). You want us to become the people You created us to be...
I just want to rush into Your Heart. I want to be held in Your arms. I want to hear Your whisper, Your heartbeat, Your Voice that SINGS over me...