04-18-2011

04-18-2011

Holy Lord, 

I'm really, really sorry for my bad attitude. Really sorry. Yesterday, I was positively enjoying wallowing in self-pity. I believe that what I wrote about stuff was true, but I wrote it in a way that was disrespectful to You. I'm sorry about that. Logically, I know You're there. And I understand that Your existence is not dependent on how I feel about You.

So, God, here is my heart. Please, purify it. It isn't very pure right now. It's filled with anger toward my sister's attention and stuff...

God, I'm so proud of Idina. She's done - and continues to do - such brave, amazing things. I guess I just wish people would stop idolizing her. Do You realize how many people prefer her? For crying out loud, even [one of my best friends] is starting to ignore me! Every time someone turns to her instead of me, its like a bullet in my heart.

What does Idina have that I don't have?

I promise, God, I will stop considering self-harm and any other method of short-term pain relief. I promise, I will stop trying to find pain relief in ways that do not agree with Your Word. I just hate all this. I hate spending my every moment at church trying to measure up. If I try to be myself, I'm being rejected constantly - even more than I am when I try to people-please...

I HATE THIS STUPID INSECURITY!...

I really, really want to love You, God. I really, really do.

The End

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