04-17-2011

04-17-2011

God?

I lied through my teeth again. It's becoming a normal thing.

"How are you?"

And what am I supposed to say back? "Dying inside and on the verge of a mental breakdown?"

Nope. Not gonna happen.

What would people do if they knew I've been flirting with self-harm?...

You know my heart, God. You know I'm going to keep chasing You instead of turning to other ways to cope.

Notice I said "chasing." Because that's what it's been like - a child's game of Hide-and-Go-Seek. But do You know what the problem is?

I'm not the one doing the hiding.

God, I know You're there, but sometimes, I wonder why You would make Idina so awesome, then make me so commonplace! It's driving me insane. I've been trying to lay my issues to rest, but these past few days, it's been absolutely awful to try to keep from yelling and cursing and throwing stuff and all that stuff that really only losers do.

God, please, PLEASE, show up before I do something stupid. I'm reaching for You! I'm trying to communicate with You - don't say I'm the one who's breaking our covenant! In the back of my mind, I know You're not, but right now, I can't see or feel anything clearly.

I've gone numb.

Surely, You've noticed my withdrawal from my friendships, especially when Idina's around. I'm tired of being hurt and betrayed and left behind to watch everyone fawn over Idina. Frankly, I'm not going to let myself get hurt. To blazes with stupid emotions and FAKE friendships where people only go to me as a last resort! I'm not setting myself up for stupid people to destroy whatever confidence I have left! I'm tired of people tearing my heart to shreds! I'm tired of being tramped on!

Anyways.

That's my life.

Please, don't give up on me, too.

The End

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