01-12-2011, part one
God, I wasn't going to write in this until I had REAL FAITH, the kind the heroines in novels always had. I told myself this journal would be written in only when You had my whole being consumed by Your passionate love. Until my faith was perfected, I had set aside this journal. Oh, it was pretty to look at, but how dare I write in it until I had some faith of my own?
As You know, I used to be glad of - even proud of - the fact that I'd never committed any "serious" sins. But when one isn't saved from much, it's hard to love much. When one doesn't love much, it's easy to become lukewarm. And when one becomes lukewarm, they don't have much faith to last during days of discouragement.
And I've definitely been having days of discouragement. So many, in fact, I can count off the months - maybe (just maybe) even a year - of all-consuming doubt. I shivered in fear of the devil as I lay in bed. I hated nighttime because at least during the day, I had events and school and everything else to distract my mind from my spiritual state. I would beg God over and over again to save me, but I never felt truly forgiven...