My HeadMature

Anthony Dewar,

Nov/Dec 2015

Few more days till i get out past this gate. Very unsure of my upcoming Fate.
Could run into some of my old friends. A big bag of dope I could ask them to lend.
Would not take all that long to get myself a new lease. Pull in some big cash, buy my own fucking mouthpiece.
There i go again thinking of better times. The shit we pulled off, easy big money crimes.
Back to reality I really have to go. Enough thinking of the running the big show.
Pretty damn soon I will be able to see. Just what this world has in store for me.

Now I'm gettin out it is time to see, What kind of bullshit is waiting for me.
Too long my children have been kept from me. While  I ran around from sea to sea.
My thoughts are on this time of the year. I'm on my way to bring some good cheer.
Not very long now but the bus might be late. Not like it matters, like I have a date.
Ahh yes the the beer store across the street. Forgotten already the staff i need meet.
Drink it down fast it tastes real fine, Only thing better a girl and some wine.

Security cameras again watching me, random room search's and I'm supposed to be free?
Oh well I suppose it wont be so bad. Keep my on all the ball and just don't get mad.
Out all of  2 whole days till I got to see. Just how horribly vengeful a person can be.
What kept me going, what has been keeping me sane. Was stolen from me just to cause extra pain.
Huge inner struggle is going on deep inside. My mind begging and pleading for just one little ride.
Just this once i  think I will seek some relief.The  Redzone should provide an escape from the grief.

Feels quite like heavenly bliss to not be in pain. Why in the hell should I suffer alone barely keeping myself sane?
Feels like I'm floating  just above the bed. So comfortable, no commotion in my head.
Now what in the fuck did I just go and do? Felt so damn good fora few hours and now I am blue.
Might be a good plan to cop a little bit more, So I don't end up dangling 3 feet off the floor.
Good plan that it is and though it might be,  Real damn shame for me its not free.
 Back in my bed wishing I was dead cause there is way to much spinning round in my head

I will go ask for help. even if hard to do. It's surely not yet time to bid you adieu.
Doc hooked me right up with some government dope. Maybe if lucky it will give me some hope
Antidepressants in the morning and sedatives at night. Hopefully the these damn pills will make it all right.
Now that the ship's righted and on its way,  I am  jumping through hoops each and every day..
But in the court that's my life, I hold little to no sway. Maybe i should fucking go out and get right high come what may.
Nope not gonna do it, just too much to lose. Although the mind dope making me a recluse.

Counselors , lawyers, Doctors and Staff, Say I'm looking good but I think that's a gaffe.
Been out  for some months trapped in this place. Unable to leave cause it would hurt this damn case.
Having problems every day getting out of my bed . Starting to think somethings quite wrong in my head.
Anxiety for no reason, just cant figure it out. Why in gods name do I have to suffer these bouts.
Maybe its cause ima savage reborn, A razor sharp thorn in the side of most highborn that treat us with scorn.

My brutally quick wit and eagerness to survive is the only damn reason I'm still alive.
My metal issues from that life they arise. Split second decisions so i stay alive.
That mentality is no longer needed all my relationships have been severely Impeded.
I been a Gun toting nutbar, drug dealer and thief. That life caused way more than its share of grief.
Ridding around limousines at the age of 15 pulling off 50k jobs like I was no big thing.
Used to think i was the shit led a exciting life but all it has caused me lately is a whole lotta strife.

Now Things are finally starting to pick up I'm glad. Although these constant cravings have me feeling quite sad.
My Kids are the very reason that I'm still live, The main goddamn reason I am fighting to thrive.
To disappoint them would kill me inside. I gotta get a handle on any potential fucking slide
Why do I need to sneak round and hide. Just so i can occasionally feel good inside.
it is Just not right for the powers that be. To make stupid rules cause they got a degree.
Just how much longer will it torment me?. My thoughts i need clear so I can really see that sobriety I need not fear

Hopefully the wanting will soon subside. i really do want want a drug free Yuletide.
But for now it really seems that drugs still rule over me when all I want is to feel happy, carefree.
It is probably going to be a lifelong battle to stay free from the substances that have such a hold over me.
The drugs the doc prescribes are no damn better you see. My emotions they hold prisoner So its plain to me. I still am unfortunately a god damn detainee.
Suicidal tendencies, Psychosis and Me are all side effects of this Anti depression spree.
Punish everyone who self medicates. While anti depressants rearrange our whole mental state.
Thoughts of my children in my head every night. Are like a beacon leading me to the light.
Hopefully soon they will be able to see. Me at my best and completely drug free

Doing pretty good, actually fairly well. Is a nice change compared to living hell.
Starting to learn this crap wont end fast. When will it finally be over at last.
So busy fighting for whats right.  Never had the chance to be lonely at night.
Train wreck going on has slown a down a lot, Most of these days im just a bot.
First time in my life I've felt so alone. Going through the motions just like a fuckin clone.
Listening to music is my saving grace. Also thinking of girls dressed up in leather and lace.

Slugging along, life could be worse. I could be laying inside a hearse.
I seem to have lost much self-esteem. Finding someone only a dream.
Going to court might soon be done. Will I ever be able to just have fun?
My fingers are crossed. Do i dare hope? That in the future ill keep off that slippery slope..
My children are quick witted and really quite smart.  . Compared to myself they are off to a great start.
My kids and Music have been have kept in check my sanity, Although most every nights still feel overbearingly lonely

Really need to stop dwelling on what maybe could be, At least everyday I'm not in the ground 2 times 3
Most days I'm still tired, don't want to get out of bed. i often wonder are things really that wrong in my head.
Nothing I can do but wait and  ill see.  Maybe good news is what will help me.
Been waiting patiently for her to agree to let me see My daughter unconditionally.
Would love to get high like I mean really spun. But I know in my heart it's a loaded gun.
I really should point out that each day does get better. But any happiness will be gone if I even slightly upset her.
 I had no idea how tough it would be trying to live my life following society.

Sometime soon not exactly sure when, Myself and my son will be together again.
Just cant wait to be outta this place. Maybe just maybe ill get out on some dates
What ever happened to Tony of old? So full of myself and way too damn bold.
A happy medium sure would be nice but I am leaning more towards prolly  no fuckin dice.
Try to think of my glass as being at half full. But something in my head says that is just bull.

I think i could use a very hard slap. get the fuck off this couch and stop writing crap.
Second time this exercise for the mind. Insanity I think I came close to find.
Wonder if someone with less time on their hands.. Would seriously think what the hells wrong with this man.
Not really to sure about it right now. The writing of all this I may disavow.
If anyone is actually wondering, yes writing down all this shit is a quite liberating.

Too bee continued maybe....

The End

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