But there was once a time when I could hold on longer. A time when I felt as though maybe, just maybe, it was ok to simply think that I might be worthy of a little bit of affection. But then what happened? My heart broke and I felt a deep pain, and all of the progress in changing my belief about this particular one was almost undone. But fortunately for me, it wasn't completely gone. Although I believed I didn't deserve affection or love or caring, I was able to let my self hope for it. I let myself begin to hope, that one day I could find someone to care. And that hope is what I hold to, it is what allows me to hold back the pain when I have no one to help me. That hope is small, I see it as a tiny being, peaking out from behind a black curtain, barely visible. But that's ok, because I know that the rest of it is there, but that I simply cannot feel its presence yet. I hold it back, afraid to hope any more than the tinniest fraction because of my time that will be spent serving God. My fear that if I were to hope for it now, then I would besetting myself up for failure, because no one around here looks twice at man unless he is a return missionary, regardless of his character.
How could I hope any more than this? Few invest much time in those of us preparing to serve, for surely we are not good enough. For how could we be? How could anyone be a good or even a great person without having served a mission first? What kind of crazy must I be to consider allowing myself to hope that people would search after people like me, to invest time and create a connection with someone like me?
I know what they are missing out on. Those who have gotten to know me a little, they know what others are missing out on. But so what? I don't want them to miss out. I don't want to miss out on knowing them either. I have lived my life thus far alone. I am tired of being lonely every day, week, month, year. It is painful in ways that none can understand without experiencing it.