Maladaptive Thinking: Part one

Maladaptive thinking. What is that?
for me, it is the way I have lived my life. I didn't know it wasn't normal until very recently either, I thought that my thinking process regarding all things social was fine. 

Maladaptive thinking in psychology is a pattern of thought that can cause and maintain emotional problems, often as a result of irrational beliefs which are not true but are still believed by the individual.

When I talk to people, I read into things far to much. The slightest sign of uninterest in what I have to say can shut me up for hours, or I may simply never open up to you because I will then see you as being someone not interested in me at all. Someone who doesn't consider me worth their time. So I would back off and not bother you, letting you go about your activities without getting in your way. When I text people, it is even harder. If a conversation starts to drag on or if people are unresponsive, I think again that I am not worth their time. And this is more damaging for me, because when I am starting to be hit by a depressive episode, the only people I would text as a way to stay sane I can't text. Why? Because I remember all of the times that they seemed uninterested, or bored with me. And so I sit there, agonizing over my want to talk to someone to not feel alone, and my belief that no one is interested in my life,that no one cares whether I am doing ok or not. Because if they did care, they would always care right? They would always try to make me feel better, they would always be there when I needed them. They would come to see me if I needed help, they would be willing to stop what they were doing and come rescue me from myself. 

Because that is what I do. I have never had a close friend, but every time someone needed my help, every time someone wanted me to help them, I would go. I went because I wanted people to do that for me, golden rule and all that, right? I would sit up talking to someone on the phone who I only kinda knew, helping them to feel better, to feel like someone did care and was willing to listen. I always try to help the people, because they deserve to have what I always wanted. They deserve it because I believe that no one should suffer alone or feel alone. 

The End

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