After the Break

The pain didn't all go away at first, it lingered for a time, as all emotional pain does. It was hard to get over things at first, because of how much I relied on her to help me feel better. Now, I understand that that isn't a good thing very often, relying on others to feel good about yourself. But I don't care, because if one grows up without any belief of being worth the time or attention of anyone, what else can one do? 

I moved on though. I managed to let go, yet I still wanted to have a connection with someone. Unfortunately however, because of how things went down I stopped being attracted to people. I let go of my want to be attracted to others, and my interest in dating. I continued in my voluntary oblivion to how others saw me, because I wanted so desperately to believe what I saw of myself. That I wasn't attractive, or handsome, or anything else people would say. 

I let myself be afraid. Afraid of becoming attached to another person who would cause me pain. Afraid to connect. And yet my hunger for exactly that was always there, a desire to feel wanted. But if  I am to leave and serve God for two years, how can I risk connecting to people, just to leave and have them move on? How can I ask someone to care about me, when they will simply move on once I am gone? 

The End

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