Life will Play, and I'll Cross my Fingers

You asked me if I was scared. I lied. Well, technically I avoided the question. But you see, the thing is, I've always been completely honest with you. I've told you everything. I want to feed those trusting eyes with every thought that pops into my head to bring out that gorgeous smile that makes my shoulders unclench. 

So it was a big deal to avoid answering a question. 

Lately I've been doing too much thinking. I've been thinking about this guy I've been trying to get over. Shall we call him Kyle? Kyle and I had something I can't quite explain. A chemistry, a spark, a passion probably undeserved and yet it was there, fire in our eyes that made me excited for the first time in a long time, and gave me a reason to hold back tears. 

When it disappeared, you appeared. I ran to you, and we talked. We talked about everything, and you brought back my smile. I find myself wanting to talk to you, and thinking about our conversations long after they happen. 

Kyle and I haven't ever had that sort of conversation, and it's made me realize how much I've never had with anyone else. I wish Kyle and I had the connection we do. But I think about Kyle, and I think about how somehow I've disappointed him, and how every time I see him I want to make it up to him, and that makes me angry inside. I'll call you, and we'll lay in the grass, merely being. 

I regret how weak I've been lately, fawning over someone who I can't be myself around. I want to connect with him, but my inner brat comes out near him, and I shy away rejected without even putting myself out there. It's like I've already done something wrong, so there's no use righting things.

Then the tricky part: you. I ache to see you, I miss you. When I'm alone, I replay conversations of great guys telling girls to trust them. They tell the girl to take them out of the friend zone, risk getting hurt. She says she's been hurt by too many guys, the best solution is to keep the guy as a safe friend distance so no one gets hurt. But is it better never love and stay stay safe, than to love? I've watched girls reject the one guy who wouldn't break their heart, because she knew if he were the one to break it, it would hurt more than any jerk.

I feel like fate is trying to tell me something. I feel like fate wants me to act and not fear. But I'm scared. I tell myself there needs to be that spark. What's the difference between you and just a friend? I know the answer: the way we are together, the way we look and talk to eachother. I also know if there were a spark, I would shy away because I had a spark with Kyle, and he sent me into a mental place I never want to go again. I don't want to question what I like about myself, and if I lost you, how much of me would survive the wreckage? 

If I fall for you, who will catch me if I hit the ground? Who could I run to if your gone.

I'd say the best thing to do would be wait, but I've lost guys waiting as well. But those were other guys, and if your worth it, it will happen, and im crossing my fingers what was mean to be will be. I waste so much of my time owrrying about what I can't control. Life will simply play its course. 

I can merely cross my fingers.

The End

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