Aside from School:
During my 7thgrade school year at home I would always find my mom crying and my dad mad. Reflecting on it I saw that it was around the thought of my grandparents not getting rid of the dog. They kept the pitbull and didn’t see me or my brother, their own grandchildren for MONTHS. After about eight months of just wondering if the dog is gone or not my mother could only talk to two people, me and her mother in-law, my dad’s biological mother, my Gamma. She never told me everything just because I was still twelve and going on thirteen. When I got grounded for being kicked off the bus for “kid-napping” I carried that baggage with me to school.
One day when my mother was driving me to school she decided to say, right before I was about to get out: “The dog died.”
She told me how the dog got hit by a truck and Maw Maw posted on facebook about how much she loved the dog, and how it was her best friend and so on. When I started going to my guidance counselor three times a week, I thought I would tell her about how I cut because of the whole situation. And I didn’t know it but if you tell the guidance counselor or any other authority at my school, or it could be all schools I don’t know, but she had to tell my parents. I thought I would tell my parents before she called them later that day. When my mom picked me up from school, I busted into tears and cried showing her my arms. A total of 17 cuts. My mom suggested I try real guidance from a doctor.
During the months I was kicked off the bus, March and April…two months, I’ve tried suicide five times. The first one was on March 10th. I tried to shoot myself in the head with my dad’s gun. I held it to my head and it misfired.
I tried on March 19th, two days after my birthday because I was torn from my grandparents, they had to nerve to call and ask to take me out for my birthday. I hated my birthday. I turned 13. I tried to overdose on pills but I ended up just puking it out the next day.
March 30th, I tried to suffocate myself inside a bag. I passed out but I woke up and cried because it didn’t work.
April 5th, I tried drowning myself. I just couldn’t do it.
April 10th, I cut into my arms. I was alone and laid in the tub. It was the night after me and Jerry had gotten together, it was also my Gamma’s birthday. When I realized about my Gamma’s birthday I quickly stopped. Just because I had a terrible birthday doesn’t mean she should either because of me. I called her and said “Happy birthday” she said she loved and misses me. I stopped because of her and because I had a sliver of hope with my new relationship.
After spring break I was back on the bus. Tyler M., he turned out to like me…he wanted me so badly to break up with Jerry for him. I didn’t want to.
I ended up having to break up with jerry because of my ma. She wanted me to regain emotional strength because of the 2 years of just arguing and hurt with Maw and Paw.
It only lasted 2 weeks. We got back together. And I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let a great opportunity escape.
Summer before 8thgrade:
The summer was the best. I spent it mostly with Jerry and our friend Mike-e. I went partying a lot with my friend Christy. I felt awesome. One day when I went to Christy’s house she had some friends come over. We did some drugs, we we’re tripping on acid, yea it’s illegal but we had the best fun. At the time I didn’t question where Christy got the drugs.
In August Christy moved with her father. She killed herself two weeks later. Her friend told me about the drugs and her father. Her dad would sell her for sex to his friends or whoever and would buy drugs.
I never told anyone because I didn’t want to dwell on the memory; I cried for so many night knowing I won’t have a friend like her again.
When 8thgrade started everything went casual. I started befriending my teachers very quickly. I made a new friend, Marisa. She’s a very spunky loud and funny person. One day when we were working in a group with each other and with an ex, Hunter, she was telling a story about one of the hallways in school. When we asked which hallways she pointed to the door behind her and said “That one.” But her hand had accidently hit our social studies teacher’s crotch.
His eyes were wide and he had a funny grin on his face and said, “Whoa! Marisa!” I never will let her live that down. Later in the class period our teacher came up again but held out his hands and said, “Marisa I’m approaching!”
She became an instant best friend.
During the winter months, December and January I hadn’t been speaking with my friend Amber. One day in art she confronted me and kept snapping questions at me like I did something wrong; she just kept that up for a few minutes and said how I haven’t been talking to her. That’s when I got mad and said she hadn’t been talking to me.
My friend Mustafa called me about the situation and said how he heard Amber calling me a whore, slut and how I act like a hooker. I said it didn’t bother me. Those names don’t bother me, cause whoever calls me that is admitting I’m more attractive and that I have and can get more guys or girls that they do. (I say “girls” because I’m bisexual). So I thinking, “Otay…obviously she wants to act like a total twat, let her. She’s missing out on me.”
In late January I started noticing how she and Jerry had been talking more, and she touches on him more often. It wasn’t just me; the whole art class noticed. Literally they did notice, no exaggeration here, ALL students noticed.
So I talked to Jerry about it. I said in a bitchy way because that’s how people know I’m serious. Why? I do not know.
He came over to me and asked me to join his and Amber’s conversation. “You seem to be happier just talking with Amber.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Well, it sure seems like it.”
Then he started acting all adorable like he usually does around me. Just simple things like that make me smile.
He started saying no to Amber when she touched him too much and started having more conversations with me. I still noticed how she was persistent with the whole deal. I told two teachers and one has told her to stop her nonsense.
(This is why no one should get in a fight with me: you’ll end up losing! :P)
During this time period I kept thinking and dwelling on the idea how jealous and fake and desperate she is to be. She tried copying what I do to Jerry, she started dressing differently. She is trying to act like a whore, so she shouldn’t have been calling me a whore because she’s copying everything I do. It bothers me how if she wants attention, don’t make it obvious! I get attention just because of how I act naturally and look around people.
On the other hand; I have been coping with a sexual situation. Earlier in eighth grade I had a lot of guys readily touching me. To the point where they have kissed me. I got so tired of it I went to my social studies teacher. He informed the office and he helped me with a nice talk. He made me feel like a human girl, not a “sexy-down-to-fuck” chic.
From this point it’s going to be like a journal entry. I’ll post the new chapter everday on a reflection of that day. Starting Monday March 12th:)