Dear Mrs. Blue Cheese [updated]

How many things changed since I wrote letter to you last time on Protagonize? I think absolutely everything just turned 180 degrees. But, as we always joke when we say we don't know where to start, lets start at the beginning. 

Firstly, from the bottom of my heart, with all my soul and every single piece of broken me I want to apologise to you. I wish I could show you how much sorrow I have in me because of my actions. It was after everything that happened I realised I hurt the person who meant absolutely everything to me. It's the biggest regret in my life.

You know the night I told you how I truly felt about you? What my heart was telling me? That day I felt like being complete finally. Just chatting with you, trying to ignore the reality I created for us was... amazing. Made me feel so much... alive. 

You are really a unique person. I never saw so much of a caring heart in anyone. And your imperfections, scars, insecurities... make you the most beautiful person I know. I know I will never be able to heal your scars, but I want you to feel that you don't need to face them again by yourself. 

I am not letting you be ever by yourself. 

I know that because of what I done, I will never fully regain your trust. I needed to accept that fact and try to move on with it somehow. It just hurts that we had something perfect and I managed to so much mess it up. What I want to say is that you mean everything to me. And one day I will make you realise that. I'm not expecting that to happen soon, but you are worth any wait. 

There is one thing I never told you and I want to say it now. I always said that when you said that "broken me is perfect." is my favourite line from countless chats we had. But I slightly lied there. 

My most valued moment in my heart was when one day, and I remember this so vividly, one day you said to me that you woke up in the morning, looked in the mirror and said to yourself that you're beautiful. Honestly then I felt truly happy, that I accomplished the most important thing in my life. And that is your happiness. 

It will take time until you will believe in your own beauty. And that is okay because I am not leaving you anytime soon. No matter how long it will take, one beautiful day, I will be with you, you will face the mirror and just smile at your own reflection. 

We had few very deep nights. I am so happy about them because it is something I only had with you and they will be the memories I will never forget. Adding to some already beautiful memories you created for me. 

You know why those nights were so beautiful for me? Because of the emotional connection I felt, that spiritual connection. We were both "naked", no masks or any hiding. Just us, both with fear, but willing to take what we have to the next level. That is what I found so beautiful. I think that all my life I was missing something, there was a hole that no one managed to fill, no one was even close to closing that gap in my soul. And you know what? 

You managed it. From all the people, you made me complete like a piece of puzzle. Is a wonderful feeling because... you are the only person I can honestly say that I trust when you say you love me. 

What we have makes me feel so much alive and so young. No matter how much of a bad mood I can be, you always, ALWAYS managed to cheer me up and still manage that. 

Coming to the last point in this letter now. You know about our taking away minutes deal? The deal you are really unhappy about... which I cannot blame you because even though I made it, I find it harsh. But you want to know why I put it to action? 

Because I am desperately scared of losing you. It is my biggest nightmare that gives me endless scenarios that scare me to death. Like when you were ill before, nothing could of cheered me up that time. Life without you would lose all of its meaning. Because the aim of life is to love. And I can only love you truly and so deeply. Just you. 

I love you. 

Yours Boo :)


The End

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