"Dear M"

Dear M, 

Where to even begin? It will not be easy writing this, trust me. Not because it will be bad, but the emotions I had when the situations with you happened were strong. Alright, as I don't know where to start, how about starting from the beginning of me knowing you and then work my way from there?

I remember the day when I met you in the library and I made you so much laugh, that you were being kicked out of the library because of you laughing so loudly. This memory still makes me smile.

I can even remember who started flirting first. I know I was in the right state at the time, the all situation with S destroyed me pretty badly, so I was happy that I founded you then. I am not happy about that now because I gave you so much pain even though you had been great to me. I broke up with you not once, but twice. I knew you were hurt and probably I will never forgive myself for doing that. Because of that and also all the situation with S, my confidence when it comes to relationships went to nil. I am just scared I will hurt another girl like I did hurt you. Don't deny that fact.

The first time when I broke up with you, I done it for S, there is no point in denying the truth. How stupid I could be is beyond me. And I didn't done it properly, I was a total coward, doing it by text message. I was feeling awful doing so. Back then I was just a total idiot teenager, thinking too much about myself I reckon. You know what I think? That I was the worst boyfriend you could possibly have. Making you believe that I love you and then ending it. Maybe, all the pain because of S was my payback from karma? I hope so because I deserved it.

The worse memory with you was when  I broke up with you for the 2nd time. By text again! But, your friends told you I was going to do it, so me doing it by text just quicken things up. You know, when you came with your friends to Queens Park, first time I saw you after we broke up for the 2nd time, I was more than scared, I could felt my heart literally racing. I hated myself for it and I still do. I so much didn't deserved you, but I had the pleasure of meeting you. 

What can I say more? We had some amazing memories, me pushing you against the wall for a kiss, endless times when we were just sitting next to the tree, just enjoying being together. I remember when I asked you out for the 2nd time, being able to hold your hand again was just... is like small supernova exploding inside me. So many memories, us getting lost because of me, our little, pointless arguments who loved the other special more, those sweet, innocent text messages each morning were always lighting up my day. People asking us to kiss at front of them because apparently when they were around we were "only hugging all the time" and me walking you home laughing. Those memories I will always have in my heart because they were special to me.

What went wrong? We could argue there were many things we could blame. Us having arguments, S, you not trusting me anymore. But, I just think it was me. I know, you will say that it was because of you and mainly your friends making you believe that I will go for S again, but I should of made you feel safe and not worried.

From the bottom of my heart, with all I have left in there, I want to say a massive sorry to you. For being just... so much of a bad person towards you when you helped me countless times. I know you will not be able to fully trust me ever again and surely I will miss that. But, I only ask you to trust me again a little and believe in my words when I say that you were the best girlfriend I ever had because those words are true.

I really want you to be happy in life and I know you will get far because you got determination. And I will be there for you if you would need anything. I know that now those words might seem to be empty, but... I mean them, I swear.

I want to thank you for everything, for just being yourself.

Your favourite ticklish friend. 

The End

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