Even though you are not here, I can still close my eyes and remind myself of your smile and your hug. I still smile when I remind myself how much you were smiling and how excited you were when you went in my dad's car. I am trying not to cry when writing this, but it is so hard. I just feel so sad that you will not be able to see me passing my college. You were not there when I finished high school. I couldn't show you my passion to write. I wish, so much wish, that you were here and that I could talk to you for a day again.
I was young when my mum used to leave me with you. And only after you died, I appreciated so much that time I had with you. You dying hit me like a bullet. I just... couldn't believe me. When my mum told me that and went out of the house in mad rush, I could not believe what was happening. I sat there and I started to watch TV for a long time. Pretty pathetic right? I couldn't just accepted the truth. It was just too damn painful.
You know when it really hit me that you will never be there for me anymore, only in my heart? When it was your funeral and before it started, they let me, my mum, my brother and my aunty to see your body. To see you for the last time. I didn't cried. I was trying to be hard for my mum. I will never forget seeing you there, just lying down. It looked like you were asleep and any time you could just wake up and ask me if I wanted something. But I needed to face the reality.
I just... I... I just hope that your death wasn't painful. I am sure you are in heaven now, watching me writing this and wishing you could wipe away my tears. The truth is... I miss you so much. Last time I was in Poland, I walked near your neighbourhood and I reminded myself of you. It was like bittersweet memories. I knew they will never happen again, but I had them with you and I will never forget them. *smile* I remember when I put a plastic bucket around your lamp when I was young and the bucket melted into the bulb. I remember, that my mum got angry at me, but you didn't. Every time I went around your house and you always used to give me some sweets. I will always remember you smiling. I will always remember.
I love you grandmother and I hope you are having amazing time in heaven, probably giving some competition to saints in there with your perfect heart. I just... miss you, but I hope you are happy whenever you are, I know you will always have a place in my heart.