"Dear S"

Dear S,

We had something amazing. We really did. And now... it seems like we are nearly strangers. 7 times you did hurt me. 7 times. 7 times when I cried because of you breaking up with me. My friends were telling me not to be stupid and not try for you ever again, but I loved you. Truly I did. The moments I had with you, surely I will have somewhere in my memories. I remember calling you an angel. Writing songs for you. Writing stories for you. I gave you everything I could.

I think being with you changed me. In a good and bad way. You were my first ever girlfriend I loved more than myself, more than anything on this world. You made me cross the barriers when it comes to relationship. Now I have more courage when it comes to flirting and trying with someone. You gave me experience.

But then.. on the other hand... you had changed me for worse. Being hurt 7 times does hurt a lot. Pain changes people. Now, I am afraid of... loving. It might sound pathetic, but I am scared. Scared of someone saying "sorry, we are over". The feeling was the worse feeling I had experienced, the pain was beyond any explanation. I also started to doubt myself because of what happened. Was there something wrong with me that it didn't worked 7 times? I don't want to love again because it just costs too much pain.

Near Christmas when I could be with you if I waited some more time... but then I went for someone else. Do you know how much I've regretted that decision? It wasn't because I didn't loved you. No, you were the dearest to my heart at the time. I just got scared of being hurt again. I remember, through a fog, that I went around your house and I had nearly the best day of my life. I felt.. fulfilled, I felt completed somehow. Lying with you in bed in a hug and then you saying that I am amazing... I straight away disagreed. But, I knew from your eyes you meant it. 
When you found out that I went for someone else, I know you were hurt. Probably a lot. And I apologise for that as much as I can. But, you need to understand, after 7 times I went paranoid. You know that because of you, I analyse messages I get from people? Trying to guess what they think about me, if they still care. It was nearly the worse moment in my life when you went sarcastic towards me because of me going for someone else. On that night, first time the knife went into play. I think you heard about me doing that few months later, but you didn't showed that you cared or anything. You never mentioned that to me... maybe because someone told you that I wasn't doing it properly or you just couldn't handle so many problems. I really don't know. 

Now we barely talk. And maybe it is for the best. Don't think that I hate you, I never could hate someone. I hope you will be happy in life and that you will find someone amazing and you will be live happily ever after. Maybe you will be better without me in your life? So many questions, but I want to leave this in the past now because I did moved on. This is a closed chapter and I am not thinking about opening it ever again. 

Dawid, your ex.


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