Christmas day in Great Britain and snow is very much a constant presence in our daily lives !!!
Even dogs are getting used to freezing their butts off,lol,not really but what can we do ?
I am off from work today and spending time with my adopted family.
From Maggie who is home from uni to Kevin and Beatrice I am not alone tonight....And in a way I find that so sad,it is unexpected to be connect to this new family that holds my heart outside and feeling again apart from my sons.
I feel again so much,sorrow ,regret ,love and above all I feel Hope of a possible tomorrow and of course there is also Pierre.
How life has changed in a year ,from work to friends to lovers to people who make me laugh out loud and experience a blissful life I have closed this circle in my personal life that kept people out and in return I become myself again,this person who used to believe in the fact that we are all connected and love can heal any wound.
Today I smile more,I love more and have accept that there are out there people who do love me,they make sure I know by actions and words and written word how much I mean in their lives.And that is what has change radically this year in 09.
I allowed myself to fell again and expanded my capacity to actually be alive,I guess I have more or less dead inside in my feelings since dad died 13 years ago,and even after all this time xmas is not really a happy occasion without him but it gets with time it becomes less painful and I even have started to frequent church again,trust me fr someone who was like me raised in the catholic church being part of a church going family does make you appreciate the simple undeniable truth in Life and really accept that all that really matter in life will come and be given to you for free.
See the following examples : love ,friends,someone who cares for you ,a word of advice by a wise person,time,and so many more...
I did change for the worst I know now when my father past away,but since I meet Maggie`s
I have come to see part of me that I long gave up on but with love and care i have become her again,and Pierre is part of my life now.
Trust me when I tell you that his presence in my life has made me happier than I have felt in a long time,did I happen to mention I have taken pictures of me ?No ?
Well I have and as soon as Maggie uploads it to her computer we will have it here,my actual face not a manga aplication !!
People who see me for all that I am made me realise something I had decide to forget on purpose I am who I want to be and still I am beautiful,so why hide ?
I have been very isolated from living by choice I have choose that even when people leave you down is better to allow your heart to remain open than to lock it up and but a big sign of "Out of Use",that is real life at all and just going trough the motions.
I have this Christmas to thank for the Musalula family,my family that is what they are and everyone at church for the fact that today I still very much miss my dad and the boys are not with me I am happy again.
I also want and need to thank three people who live in Canada,my adorable mama Sharon,who I have yet to talk to today it is only morning back there so there is still time,for being part of my lief and my sons,for being there even when I am difficult and not really nice,for loving me when I couldn`t see why would she,for everything and just being there when I need it her,for all that I feel her to be the only mother I ever known.
To Dayla,my baby sister who has grown so much this year,eheh,she can kill me later for calling her a baby,she is laughter when I knew none,she is just talking for the sake of talking when I most need it,she is a most dear friend and a dear sister of my choice,she is above all just her sweet self.
And last but not least,Pierre of all of them Pierre is who makes me feel like myself again with him I have "coffee" on a regular basis and this sensual part of me is born again,my skin feels more alive than ever and I see myself smiling when I sleep,corny I know but true,he is the part of me who is simply Carla,not a mother or a friend or a daughter or a church goer or a worker ,with him I am simply me and it feels so good to be looked at and seen,so to you my lover of cold weather and laughter so loud I see myself grinning to the screen,soon very soon we will do this body to body,face to face,mouth to mouth,thank you darling and Merry Christmas..
So that is my story so far 2010 is just around the corner so we will see where it leads us with the knowledge now that I am stronger and capable to deal with anything that comes my way.
Love you all,Merry Christmas...