Here in this corner of my absent paper and a wind of future trust I rest my thoughts of sadness and think once again"Why,so sad ?".
I have not found the answer so far,but there is a unrest feeling of dread that surronds me and keeps me here in a constant dream of doom and danger.
Why am I so afraid ?
I don`t know.
I keep looking out for signs that will tell me why I am so angry all the time in periods that should have started to be easier for me and my own,and yet there is no sign of peace.
Not inside me anyway.
It may have to do with the fact that Margaret mother,Beatrice wouldn`t let go of this idea that I should get in touch with the person who gave birth to me,and one thing let to another and I talked yet again about the past,hence the nightmares and unrest this past few weeks,she looks and talks to me in a different light.
I can see that ,and today for the first time in God knows how long I have not gone to see and have lunch with her as we usually do.
I don`t like to talk about the past or the abuse or why.
It is best left alone.
But people who portrait to say out " I love you",think they know best and try and help you out in the way you live your life if it doesn`t go the same way they live theirs.
In the end if you can comunicate trouble will arraise.
I feel I can`t talk to her right now,and after the blow of losing Maggie as a confident,losing her mother as a friend couldn`t come at a worst time.
But maybe I am reading too much into nothing,in either case today I spend the day on my own,I need space to soothe my own wounds,to just be left alone.
Not that my phone keeps ringing mind that.
Silence is sometimes my worst nightmare.
Silence brings questions I care not to face and old foes I care not to look in the eye.
It brings sadness of the spirit and brings me back to a time best forgoten where the only sound I remenber quite well is my own cry.
Some things are better trully left alone.
Others are best put here in writting,since I speak to very few people thesse days.
A number if you may.
7 billion people in this Globe we inhabit.
I have two people I gave birth,which I love dearly,and three friends.
I wonder,is this God idea of a joke ?
Or just a number ?
Sleeps these days is a rary occasion I happen to come across when my eyes give in and my brain shuts down,it takes long time (An avarage of 19-per day that I stay awake),for me to go and even attempt to sleep.
On the other hand I have started to paint again,and I bought a few more paperback diaries,so all that awake time isn`t going to waste.
Always a silver lining.