Dear Crow....I mean.. Dear David,
I saw you today and it killed me. I realise that although these letters are making me feel better, I cannot continue to write them, because they are helping me get my emotion out, but constantly reminding me of what I have lost.
I don't hate you. I hate the way I feel about you. I hate that, while I am dying inside, you stand there with a smile on your face, as if nothing ever passed between us, as if all we ever were was just friends. It hurts Dave, it really does.
I've got to stop referring to you as Crow now, because I'm stripping you of that name. You are no longer my Scarecrow.
Maybe someday, you'll be someone else's. Maybe she'll love you as much as I do. I only hope you stay with her, because if you're lucky enough to find that a second time, you'd be a fool too let it go.
I can't do this anymore Dave. Like I said when I saw you today. I can't stand next to you when your body language clearly tells me you don't want to be around me. Every second of that brief meeting today was spent trying not to burst into tears.
I can't do this anymore.
I've lost two and a half stone in a few weeks, because of you. I told you lies, I said it was months, but it's only been about two weeks.
Yes, when I stood on that weighing scales my mother did tell me to cop on. Like I said she did. She also told me that I had to accept the fact that you were gone. And starving myself was not going to bring you back. She told me I was fooling myself. You didn't love me. It was just a teenage thing.
Maybe she was right about a few things she said to me, but I like to believe she was wrong about one, and even if she was right, I think I'll continue fooling myself into believing that you did love me once.
I wrote a song today. It's interesting, it starts off like this:
She slowly picks herself up off the floor,
Every day keeps coming back for more,
She figures eventually she has to win,
And life admires her for not giving in.
So come on, put em up,
Let's fight to the death,
I ain't won a round,
But you haven't killed me yet,
So come on, put em up,
There's the bell, let's go,
And she dances round the ring,
Trying to predict the next blow.
That girl is me Dave. You knocked me for six. I'm still reeling from it. I can't believe the pain, the turmoil, I can't understand it. But I know that people change. And you're not the same person I met a year ago. You're better then that, and I suppose you deserve better then I can give you.
I'll be leaving soon and I know that you won't keep in touch. I know you said that you only started thinking about us having to split a few days before you told me, but either, that's a lie, or you never cared for me at all. Because nobody gets over someone they love that fast. Maybe one day our paths will cross again. I await that day with a heavy heart Dave, because I have the strangest feeling that you'll be with someone else, possibly married, have kids....everything that I wanted, she'll have. And I won't be able to look her in the eye and tell her I'm happy for her, because despite what everyone thinks, I will always love you. Yes, I might find someone else, and I will love them to a certain extent, but never to the extent that I loved you. I know I'm only 18 and you're only 19, and I can understand that you don't want to be in a long term relationship. I just wish things were different.
I know that I can't change your mind. My friends want me to talk to you about this, some of them wanted to call you and give out to you but I still defend you to the utmost. I've been so sick lately, I AM so sick still, and they don't know that I'm always sick, they think it's your fault.
I know I said it was just simple lack of sugar to the brain but they don't know what's wrong with me. They're been trying to find out for almost 7 or 8 years now. There were a lot of things I never told you when we were together, and I'm not going to ever tell you them. I want you to be happy, and to keep you happy, I will sacrifice everything, bottle everything up, hide the hurting.
In the words of A-ha: I'll never let you see, how my broken heart is hurting me, I've got my pride and I know how to hide all my sorrow and pain, I'll do my crying in the rain.
Maybe I'm a fool, but after everything I still have a strong emotional attachment to you that I am trying to sever. Unfortunately I realise I will have to come to terms with the fact that it will always be there.
This will be the last letter I write for a while, hopefully this week away will fix my appetite, who knows? If not then I don't know what I'll do. You'll never know though. I'm not going to be telling you anything about me anymore. If you want to know you'll have to find out from someone else.
And I will carry on listening to my new favourite song, Here I Go Again.
Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known, hanging on the promises and the songs of yesterday, I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time....
I can't wait for you forever Dave. But I can love you. And if by chance you do decide you want me back. You're going to have to prove that you're not going to do this to me all over again. I don't know how, but I couldn't be with someone I was afraid of. And I'm afraid of you. You've hurt me more then anyone or anything in the world.
And even still...
I love you.