I'm back here again, on the proverbial edge. I'm one step away from the edge, one step away from total emotional incapacitation and one step away from salvation.
But I'm ten steps away from you. And you're the very thing I want to walk towards. Too bad there's a ravine between us that I will fall down and die if I try to cross it.
You put that ravine there. You started all this, you tore my soul in two.
I was looking back at photographs today.... I found one that one of our friend's had captioned 'Why are you guys always kissing??' It didn't make me smile Crow, it made me cry. I bawled my poor little heart out for a solid few minutes. Not as bad as last night though. Did I mention what I did last night? I spend from 11pm until 2:30am crying my eyes out over you. I surrounded myself in a sea of things that you gave to me or that belong to you and I haven't given them back yet.
Part of me wants to throw them all on a giant bonfire and tell you how much I hate your guts. Look at your things burn. Watch as all your things turn to ash and dust before your very eyes, look at them fly away on the wind. See Crow? That's what you did to my dreams. That's what you did to my happiness. LOOK AT THEM BURN!!! But I can't do that, I'm not like that. I'm going to give you back your things with a smile plastered over my face and make you think I'm getting along fine without you. There's nothing like a good lie.
I remember how you used to look at me in the mornings when you woke up. One eye would open slowly and you would reach out an arm from under the covers and grab me, pulling me down and into the bed beside you. And I felt safe, and warm. I felt loved, protected. When I was there with you, in your arms, I thought nothing in this world could hurt me. I was so wrong. Because you hurt me Crow. The very person that promised me they wouldn't hurt me. It was you.
You're the one that took a knife to my heart and shredded it into a million tiny pieces. Bet you even ate it for breakfast.
No matter how many times I say it, I still hate the thought of hating you. I can't bring myself to hate you. I'm not like that. My friends seem to think I should hate you. They think that I've lost my mind a little because even though I'm in such a mess over you, so UNABLE TO EVEN FEEL BECAUSE OF YOU.....I don't want you to know. I'll never let you see how much you've hurt me. And I will never fall in love again. There will never be another you. There will never be another person to get as close to me as you did. This I vow right here and now once again. Never will I let anyone else close to me.
They can call me The Ice Queen again if they want to, they can torment me, try to break me down, break my spirit. But one thing they can never ever do to me, is hurt me as deeply as you have. And for that, I am strong. Even in my weakness now, I am still strong in remembering that when I finally overcome this hurt and betrayal, be it weeks, months or years, I will never have to go through this again.
The only person that will ever be able to penetrate my defences is you. And you have no intention of coming back to me. I saw it in your eyes.
So I am safe.
Safe in the knowledge that I will rise from the ashes of my dreams and build new ones.
But even though I am now afraid of you and the damage you cause,
I still love you.