I miss you so much. As I'm writing this I have tears streaming down my face and I'm shaking with misery. I don't know where this came from, I don't know why this is happening, it just hit me hard and I've fallen down like a house of cards, collapsed inward on myself.
I haven't cried like this at all since we broke up, maybe this is me finally accepting it? I just feel awful, I don't know what to do, what to think, who to be....
I remember when we went out to Bray on the train, and I dove into the sea in a pair of shorts and a tank top. Do you remember that day? We played footie beside the beach and had loads of fun. That's the biggest thing I miss about you Crow, you showed me how to have fun. And now that you're gone, I can't find fun in anything anymore.
Sure, I can pretend, I can close my heart for a short time, close my mind to the memories, but I can't forget. I'll never forget. I can spend all day working, like I did today, and hope against hope that I'll be so tired that I wont have the time to think about you. But look at me now, even after spending the day working in a training yard, running around after the horses, I still manage to find the time to sit here and just cry. Why Crow? Why?
There are so many things I want to say to you right now, so much hurt I want you to take away. But you won't even talk to me anymore. You can't seem to bring yourself to just send me a message, a comment, asking how I'm doing. To see if maybe you screwed me up more then I let on.
You don't care.
Admitting that to myself is like allowing someone to kick me in the chest. I feel sick. I want to die. I hate you. I hate everything. I just want this pain to end.
What about our plans? You told me you'd marry me some day, we laughed about kids, teaching them football, teaching them Spanish. And then you just throw everything away and even though I understand I still don't understand.
I was a fool.
I still am a fool. Because no matter how much I scream with the agony that is tearing my soul in two, no matter how many times I beat that kick bag, no matter how many times I tell myself that it's over and I have to move on, I always end up defending you against myself. Always end up telling myself that you did love me, that you will come back for me just like you promised.
And now Crow, now I don't know what to think....
The moon is red in the sky tonight, can you see the moon where you are?
What am I saying? Why should I care whether you see the moon or not? Why should I care whether you're successful in your goals? Happy where you are now? Seeing someone else?
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS TO ME. FOR MAKING ME BELIEVE IN HAPPY EVER AFTER. FOR PUTTING ME IN A SITUATION THAT IS BREAKING MY HEART INTO A BAZILLION TINY LITTLE PIECES and do you know why that is Crow?
Because even though it's clear you don't love me anymore, and I should despise your guts and spit on the ground you walk on...
I. Don't. Hate. You. At. All.
I still love you.