I am the biggest mess of a screw up since you left. I'm working like a robot, writing, studying, passing exams, doing fantastic....but I'm failing at life.
I'm just not me anymore. Who am I without you?
I found a poem I wrote after we'd been going out two months. I sent it to you in an email, do you remember? I was thinking about you all the time, how you made me feel, how you made me just fly away into a different world, a world where I was happy.
Here it is Crow, the first poem I wrote for you that I gave to you without you having to ask to read it....
Come and walk with me,
Take my hand and we'll trip through fields,
Of golden waist high stalks of barley,
Clouds like puffs of cotton candy,
Stretched across the sky, that vast blue sheet.
Come and walk with me,
We'll tiptoe along the beach,
Squish the sand between our toes,
As the seabreeze softly blows,
Is this not such a delightful place to meet?
Come and dance with me,
As the sun slowly sets,
As the night arrives,
And everyone forgets.
Come dance with me,
In the warm summer air,
With your hand in mine,
And without a care.
Come and forget everything,
It hurts to read that now, I was so carefree, so flyaway. I though that our love would last forever. Now look at us. You said friends, said you'd talk to me the same as you used to.... but I'm the one that's had to start the conversations, and they're stilted, and awkward.
I thought you were my knight in shining armour, but you just seem to be peeling off layer after layer of tin foil. You were my hero, my saving grace, my lifeline in the dark ocean of life.
And now I'm drowning in it. Drowning in memories of you. Back smoking too many cigarettes, back crying, back hating being me....back being lonely.
Oh Crow, I spend far to much time on your facebook, fingers poised over the keyboard, willing myself to even say hi. But how can I bring myself to try when you don't seem to be trying either?
You weren't just my boyfriend, you were my best friend. I thought we were stronger then this. I honestly did. I thought that all our friends breaking up and us staying together was a sign that we would always be that way.
I wish you knew how much you've hurt me, but at the same time, I don't want to be that whingy, clingy girl that you grow to despise. It's over, and I've got to let it go.
But how can I?
How can I let go when I still love you?