How do I go on without you? It's so hard to believe that you're not coming back to me. I'm trying so hard to be cheerful but in the end I always seem to fall apart when I'm on my own. Especially today, this time last year you were cuddled up with me as I spent time thinking about the Hillsborough victims and watching the memorial service on LFCTV. I always did absorb everyone else's grief and sorrow, I just have nobody to hold me close now and make me feel better. Instead, it's making me focus even more on what I've lost.
I spend so much time writing in the hope that it will ease my pain by ridding me of emotions I bottle up but in all honesty there are times when I begin to fear that even Protagonize can't save me now.
I remember the day I first told you about Protag. You signed up yourself, although you never go online. If you do go online then I wonder have you looked at these letters at all? Part of me hopes to god that you haven't. I don't feel ready to show them to you yet. You're a good writer Crow, you should stick to it. I always thought you were better then me. Although I think everyone is better then me, how I managed to get featured I will never know.
I remember the day because it was the first proper sunny day we had and we were sitting at my kitchen table, eating a tub of houmous using crisps. I remember the days we would sit and eat houmous until we lay surrounded by empty tubs and crisp packets. You remember when I introduced you to the caramelised red onion houmous and you barely ate anything else for weeks? Those were the days Crow, the days when you used to laugh with me, the days we would lie on the grass for hours, staring at the sky until the stars came out and talking about all the plans we had for the future.
What future have we now Crow? There doesn't seem to be a 'we' in your idea of a future. You used to say there was, but now I don't see myself in that picture you're drawing. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt. What hurts the most is the casual way in which you seemed to just brush me off your shoulder, and move on.
I remember how we used to be. Close, in love, or so I thought. But I'm beginning to sincerely question it Crow. People in love don't hurt each other the way that you've hurt me. Did you ever love me? Or was I just another conquest? Another name to add to the list?
God I feel like such a fool in so many different ways.
I trust you to be telling me the truth, but I don't know if I'm being conned, I've always tried to see the best in people, you told me that. You said I needed to start seeing people for who they truly are and stop letting them walk all over me.
But I let you walk all over my heart. And just like the first man on the moon, the footprints you left will be there forever.
Because despite the bitterness, anger, fear, regret and despair....
I still love you.