I actually had a surprisingly good day today. That was after I woke up and caught sight of the picture of us beside my bed and cracked up, having a total breakdown before breakfast.
I remember when I told you about the guy that had hurt me before I met you. He was one of my very close friends but he took advantage of me when I was at my weakest and then he used and abused me. I remember how angry you were when he kept texting me. Even though I didn't reply to him you still wanted to kill him.
I remember it so well, the countless times you glared at my phone. I remember one night out when I got a text from him and you actually threw my phone at the table and sulked. "Why can't he just leave you alone?!"
I didn't think I could hit the type of rock bottom I had been at, after having him treat me like dirt after years of friendship, for a second time, but here I am.
I was once again looking back through old poems I've written and I found one that makes me think of how I was before I met you. I think you might remember it, I think you found it or something? Maybe I showed it to you, I'm not sure.
Anyway here it is again...
Strength it comes with wisdom,
For oh, the world is cold.
Wisdom with experience,
Be you young or old.
She hurts like Vlad's dear victims,
On barbs you cannot see,
But smiles like Cleopatra
On the arm of Antony.
For though she's going under,
She's a star in company,
Putting on the bravest face
When faced with you and me.
Falling back to her finish,
We will soon forget her past,
She's not thinking of the future,
Of the time she'll have to pass,
Alone, inside the arrow of her mind,
The straight flight of thought
That leaves emotion way behind.
While lacking in love,
She never ceases to amaze,
Those who think she'll give up,
And yet she still plays,
Does her best to separate,
Her right from what is wrong,
No stopping this train for
The show must go on.
There's a strength in her reflection,
Her daddy told her so,
Cheer up my little duckling,
For you have yet to grow.
If the complexity of her solitude,
Threatens to shatter,
She'll turn to the world and say
Nothing's the matter.
You pretty much knew it was about me. I remember you told me you didn't want me to ever feel like that again.
But I do.
I feel lost, scared, alone. I feel like I can't do anything anymore even though I know I can rise up above all this and eventually make myself feel better....
I want to cry.
I want to hate you.
I still love you.