I took my French oral exam today. It went pretty well I have to say. I took in an old photograph of me and one of my old friends. She asked me if he was my boyfriend and I said no. She asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no. She looked at me for a moment before completely changing the subject. I didn't realise my pain was so easy for everyone to see.
I still can't bring myself to eat. I felt fantastic after the exam. I went to the shop and bought a load of vegetables, chilli peppers and things to make a vegetarian stir fry. But when I went to cook it I just couldn't eat it when I'd finished. My stomach feels like it's shrivelled up and vanished. Everything that passes my lips loses it's taste and becomes dry and horrible in my mouth.
I used to love to cook. I loved to cook for you especially.
I remember the first time I cooked for you, do you remember? You looked a little nervous when I gave you the plate, as though it was going to jump off and kill you. But you changed your tune quickly when you tasted it. You always loved my cooking. Can't see why really, everyone else said I was always too inventive. But you were different, you liked my inventiveness.
And now look at me. I can't even do what I used to love most without thinking about you. I can't write songs because they're all about you, I can't write without thinking of you. I can't do anything without you. I wish somebody would just please please help me! I'm finding it so damn hard. You know I need to eat. My blood sugar is going crazy, I don't know how much longer my body can last like this. It's not good for me at all. I'm terrified I'll end up having such a bad sugar drop I'll end up in a coma. I do NOT want to have to go back to hospital again and have them stick needles into me while I can feel and hear everything but can't move.
I feel less upset now and more angry. How could you do this to me? How could you have let me believe everything was Ok? And then to tell me OVER THE PHONE that we were going to have to 'go our separate ways for a while' I mean, god, couldn't you have at least asked to meet up with me and spoken to me about it face to face instead of telling me over the phone and leaving me to cry my heart out curled up in a ball on my bed? No matter where I go there's something to remind me of you.
I couldn't even get away from you today by speaking French! It just made me think of how we used to do stupid walks down the street and put on French accents. Or when they cheated Ireland out of the World Cup and we declared war on all things French and also on Gillette.
I miss our arguments over football. I remember how you used to laugh when Liverpool lost and then I would laugh at you while you sulked if Man U lost. Those are such good memories. I treasure them I really do.
BUT I DON'T WANT THEM RIGHT NOW!! They're killing me!
As I write this I am crying. Tears are streaming down my face and I don't even care if I spell something wrong or am being grammatically incorrect. I don't care about anything anymore. I can't FEEL anything except pain in every muscle in my body. I've been thinking that maybe I don't want to feel anything at all.
But no, that's not true.....
I want to feel your arms around me again. To have you hold me like you used to, tell me that everything is going to be just fine... That you're there for me.
Dammit Crow, damn you to hell!!
I hate one thing right now, and that one thing is simply the condemning fact that no matter what I do or say, no matter how I say I feel, I still love you.