I promised I wouldn't miss you. I promised myself that I would be ok. But I almost gave in to the misery today.
I've been so empty without you. I stood at the window and I looked out across the landscape at the back of my house earlier. All I could think about was that time when you came over for the night and it snowed and you ended up stuck here for a week. That was fun. We had just come back up from Waterford where we stayed with my friend Andy. You knew Andy and me were like siblings.
I remember the first time we went down to his.
It was during the summer, August to be precise, and I had a Spanish friend over. He came with us too. I remember it well because of many things, one of them being the surfing and how you refused to go near the water. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the same day you got me that teddy bear at the amusements. The white one with the red heart in it's hands that says 'Love'.
I remember I insisted he sleep with us that night and you kept giving out that he was itching you. You also kept complaining that my hair was in your face. I thought that was funny. If you couldn't sleep that way then why did you constantly cuddle up to me and pull me close as you slept? Oh yeah, I remember now, it was because you are such a damn clingy sleeper! I remember loads of things you did while you were asleep. One of them was talk. You used to talk so much in your sleep. About anything that you were dreaming about. It was strange. But one thing I do remember about being down in Waterford was that night, when I tried to untangle myself from your grip because I was dying of heat, you moved slightly and a lock of hair flopped down, covering your forehead. "I love you Alli." you muttered and you tightened your grip on me, crushing any hope I had of escaping the deathly heat.
But at that moment I didn't care.
I would have gladly walked into a furnace for you at that moment. It left me with a feeling of butterflies and I still get them now when I think about it, but then they disappear and are replaced with nausea as I realise that you won't ever do anything like that again.
I fell in love with you more then ever down there in that tourist town. It was possibly one of my most favourite times away with you.
And now I'm sitting on my bed Crow, holding the teddy in my arms and wishing it was you. How could we let it come to this? I feel like an unwanted toy that some child has thrown to the side. My heart is breaking. And all I can do is hold this teddy and cry, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. But in my heart I know it's not your fault. But it hurts like hell and I don't know why I can't stop tormenting myself with maybe's and what if's.
And do you know what the worst thing is Crow?
I still love you