I woke up this morning with no appetite. My mother forced me to eat and she even watched as I sat there and shovelled each mouthful into my mouth, chewing and swallowing food that I couldn't even taste. Sawdust.
How hard can it be to forget someone? I can forget Maths equations about five minutes after I learn them, I can forget what city is capital of what country in a matter of hours. So why can't I forget you?
The worst part of it is that I want to hate you because it would make it easier to deal with the pain. But I can't hate you, I've never been able to hate you. Why do you think we never really fought? Yeah we had our moments, I remember the first time I gave you the cold shoulder.
We were lying on my bed talking about something and I totally misunderstood something you said, partly on purpose because I was in such a bad mood.
"Oh so that's how it is?" I turned away from you and gave you the cold shoulder as I stared at the wall. "Alli you know I didn't mean it like that." you said it so patiently, so tenderly, I almost gave up and turned back around. But I was in a stubborn humour and I ignored my feelings. "Yeah you did." I retorted angrily as I curled up tighter into a little ball. I thought you'd get angry and yell at me or something. Anything.
But no, you just sighed and put your arms around me, kissed my shoulder and held me close. "I love you stupid." you whispered gently and I just melted into you. "I'm sorry." I felt my eyes fill up with tears. "It's ok babe." you held me close and I cried into your shoulder as you gently rubbed my back and smoothed my hair out of my face.
Even when I was crying you would tell me I was beautiful. It made me feel good, because I knew that you weren't talking about my looks, you were talking about me, as a person. You thought I was beautiful no matter what. I remember you used to say I could kill someone and you'd still love me. Then you would laugh and say "Please don't though, I'd have to help you hide the body then and knowing my luck we'd get caught."
God, all these painful memories Crow, they're painful for so many reasons, one of them being that I know I'll never let them go. I'll never be able to.
They're happy memories, don't get me wrong. The pain that I'm talking about is that it hurts to remember what we had and no longer have.
But even though we're walking in different directions at the moment, I just want you to know this:
No matter what I do, no matter what I say and no matter where I go.
I still love you