I thought I was Ok. That I was starting to accept things. I was so so wrong. I feel like someone has taken my heart out and put it in a blender. Forgive the imagery but it's the best way I can describe it.
My cousin tried to make me laugh by telling me that guys are idiots when it comes to reason. They try to judge emotions by reason and it just doesn't work. She said a guy thinking was like watching a monkey try to push a sieve through a letterbox, it looks the same too.
I laughed, for a brief moment I did. It made me laugh and it felt good to be relaxed and happy for those few brief moments.
But then I stopped and the pain came flooding back....
I still have the picture of us beside my bed. You know the one that was taken at my cousin Emma's 21st birthday party? Yeah that one.
I look at it every night before I go to sleep. I always have since I first got it printed and framed. I know you have one too. I know because I gave it to you. I wonder now did you do as I did? Did you look at it and smile?
I made the mistake of glancing at it last night and it nearly killed me. I lay in bed listening to my iPod while I tried to go asleep. About twenty minutes later I was in the bathroom throwing up from the knots in my stomach. I have never felt like dying so much in my life as I lay curled up on the bathroom floor. But what made me get up and try to pull myself together was the idea of you seeing me like this. After all you did for me, the things you saved me from and pushed me towards so that I could live my dreams, this isn't the way you would want me to be.
You're setting me free in a way but in another way you're trapping me in a world of pain. How can I live without you when you are the only thing I lived for?
I remember the day that photograph was taken. We went down to Dublin to your Grandmothers because you were staying there. It was May almost two months we'd been together officially.
You held my hand, fingers intertwined with yours as we walked down the street. I felt like I was on top of the world. When you introduced me to your Nana I felt really nervous. I was so desperate for all of your family to like me. I don't know why, I just wanted to fit in. I also wanted my family to like you. A lot of my relations on my mam's side were going to be at this party and I could tell you were a little nervous under your smile as you pulled your shirt on and fiddled with the buttons.
I slipped into my dress and walked out, my bag ready to go. I think one of the reasons I remember the day so well is the fact that I was wearing shoes that would kill any mortal woman to walk in for long. I must have some kind of superhero blood in me because I walked nearly four miles in them to get to the hotel. And my feet were blistered and cut but I danced all night.
I remember arriving and everyone greeted you like an old friend, allowing me to relax and stop worrying about you. Everyone thought you were wonderful, so nice and considerate. Such a lovely person. I just smiled because you were mine.
You remember my cousin Niamh who's about 6ft 2? When she asked me if I'd gotten taller and I said nope I'm wearing heels and she laughed and said 'Well I'm not.' and grinned at the look on your face...
We spent the whole night laughing and having fun. It's one of my favourite ever memories. Simply because it was the first proper party we ever went to.
God it hurts to remember that. I feel like being sick again. I think in the end I'll have to go away for a while. Try to forget it all even just for the summer.
I don't know what to do anymore Crow, I know that I have to move on, but I don't know how you can expect me to do it so quickly.
I feel like curling up in a ball and crying my heart out but I guess, whatever happens, happens for a reason.
I still love you though.