I met my Scarecrow on the 29th of March in 2009. Even though he hurt me. I love him still. I always will. But life goes on.
I don't know where to begin. Do I start at the memories, or the pain I feel now?
I guess I'll start at the beginning, that cold spring day when I first saw you. We had spoken for a few weeks on msn, meeting through some of our mutual friends before I agreed to meet up with you to go to the cinema.
You were standing in the middle of the square, hat pulled down on your head as your hair went into your eyes. You smiled at me and held your arms out for a hug as I walked towards you. I remember that smile, the way it lit up your eyes and spread across your whole face. You pulled me into your arms and it was a perfect fit. I never wanted to let go as I melted into you, feeling the hardness of your muscles underneath me, the strength in your arms as they held me close to your chest.
I stared up into your eyes and let out a breathy 'Hello' as you tilted your head to the side and gave me a cheeky grin. I think it was at that moment that I began falling for you, and you knew it. I won't use the term 'love at first sight' because we both know it wasn't. But there was a spark, a flame, that kindled into something bigger. I will always remember that day.
Funny isn't it? How things pan out. I remember one of our friends turned up too, it was unbelievably awkward because he liked me, thought he was in love with me in fact, but he was just a kid. And I tried to tell him so many times that I don't go for younger guys and he was just like a little brother to me, but it didn't seem to get through to him. Then he followed us around for the day, possibly in the hope that I would go off with him instead. But that wasn't the case.
I remember we wanted to see Watchmen, but that movie wasn't showing anymore in the cinema. Funny thing is, to this day, I still haven't seen it. That makes me smile to think that, I probably won't ever watch it either, just because it would remind me of you, and our first day together.
We went to see a different film though, Monsters vs Aliens. I remember laughing my way through it and being surprised that we actually did watch the film, because at the beginning when the adverts were playing, I said something and you told me to shutup while laughing. I remember our first kiss because of this. You looked me in the eye and said 'Shut up!' and I laughed and said 'Make me!'. Then you raised an eyebrow and that cheeky grin I love so much lit up your face and you leant closer. 'Make you?' you whispered and I could only stare into your eyes as I breathlessly replied. 'Yeah, make me.'
In that moment you closed the distance between us and your lips brushed off mine gently before you put your hand on my cheek and pulled me closer as the kiss deepened and you sealed our fate.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to let you go the way you want me to. You came to mean to much, became a big part of my life. I often wonder what would have happened if you hadn't kissed me that day in the cinema. Would it have saved a lifetime of heartache? Or would it have been an opportunity wasted?
They say it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.
But sometimes I wish that we hadn't got on so well that day, I was seventeen. And deep down, I knew I was walking towards a broken heart.
Don't get me wrong, I loved you so much, I still do. And you say 'for a while' but how long is a while?
Because as much as you mean to me, I can't wait forever.
So though you'll always have my heart, I can't promise you'll always have me. Just remember one thing,
I love you,