A Little Chat

(This is a conversation between Regis, Kelly, and Johnny Depp. Regis and Kelly interviewing him on his new movie, The Tourist. But there's a small problem--Mr. Depp has developed Multiple Personality Disorder and his quirky characters are taking over.)

Regis: Thanks for coming, Mr. Depp.

(Kelly nods enthusiastically.)

Depp: Thank you for having me.

Regis: So who do you play in your new movie?

Depp: He's a seemingly innocent man with a few secrets--but not my best character.

Regis: Excuse me?

Depp: I've played much better characters.

Kelly: Is that right? (Depp nods.) Who's your favorite?

Depp, in an array of strange voices: ME! Noo, me! No! Me! Who do you think you're kidding?

(Regis and Kelly force awkward laughter.)

Depp: I can't decide. Under his voice: Weakling.

(There is a slight awkward pause.)

Regis: So what's it like playing a character that's different from your previous ones?

Depp, in a ridiculously angry tone: IT'S SO STUPID!

Kelly: Uh...did you not enjoy working on this movie?

Depp, quietly: No, no, I did; I just miss my other ones.

Regis: Have you grown attached to the others?

Depp: Quite. They're like my children.

Kelly: Do you ever feel uncomfortable playing new ones?

Depp: If they're STUPID. (Pause.) Or if they require me to do stupid things.

Regis: Well, in your new movie, your character had to escape from the antagonists by running across various rooftops. Did that qualify?

Depp: Well, I've 'ad to do much worse things than that.

Kelly: Like?

Depp: BAKE PEOPLE INTO--swordfights.

Kelly: So--

Depp: Like this--

He gets up, pulling an imaginary sword from his belt and hopping around, battling invisible enemies. He punches the chairs and kicks Regis, then runs offstage, screaming, "VICTORY!"

There is an awkward pause as Regis holds his leg in pain. This lasts for about ten seconds.

Kelly: Uh--Johnny Depp, everybody?

The End

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