“How come you’re so small,” I asked Piglet.
“I could ask you the same thing. Don’t even start on my size when you’re only five foot.”
“Actually I’m over five foot.”
“Only marginally. Any you’re short enough that you cannot ask why someone is small,” he responded dryly.
“I thought you were shy, quiet and polite. My word, for a tiny and dysfunctional pink thing you do have a gob on you!”
“Oh, that’s just the act I have to play on that stupid program.”
“Hey, I like that program!” I proclaimed.
“Seriously, it’s called Winnie the Pooh! The main character is a bear trying to fight with his obesity.”
“You said it, not me,” I injected.
“The donkey is also obese, but most people overlook it because he is so damn depressed. However, Tiger is why worse. He has a bit of an addiction...”
I gasp. Tigger was a druggie? “To what?”
“To sugar obviously! He also has a mental deficiency. You can’t live in the Hundred Acre Woods unless there’s something wrong with you.”
“Okay,” I said, drawing in air. “What’s wrong with the other characters?”
“Um, well Rabbit has OCD. There ain’t nobody allowed in his garden. That random mole keeps popping up everywhere – even in exceptionally awkward places. Owl is too damn clever for his own good and found out where Area 51 is hiding their aliens and Christopher Robin will only hang out with ‘talking’ animals. You can imagine what that sounds like to the social workers.”
“What about Kanga and Roo?”
“Well that’s a hard one...Roo is actually half tiger and half kangaroo. Kanga only stayed there so Roo could be closer to his family.”
“Roo’s a boy?!”
“Yes and no.”
THE END OF MY INCREDIBLY RANDOM DIALOGUE.