Just Tell Me What You Want

Why do you do this? You put me through all this pain, and you don't do the one thing I want. You don't understand the real reasons I tried to pull away, you don't do anything to convince me to stay in your life. But I am completely incapable of leaving all the same, for I can't help but love you. But you don't care, do you? You know how I feel but you don't care. I'm not some stupid teen who obsesses over the girl I like. I try to get to know her better so that I can help her with her problems and to help her to be happy. But you don't treat me with the respect that I deserve. You don't give me the attention that you give your friends even. I already can't stand myself and beat on myself every minute of every day, saying things that are far more harsh than what I would say to others in anger. I already think that it will take a miracle for me to find happiness, so I don't need the added pain of dealing with you.

Just tell me what it is you want! I understand feelings and am far better at being who I need to be to make others happy than you seem to believe. I have spent my entire life serving others, changing who I am to make people happy, forcing myself to suffer continually. Never have I been able to be ME. I have ALWAYS changed for others, I act as I need to to be the person people need. I have never felt like even you wanted to know who I am. None of these fools who call themselves my friends know ANYTHING about me! None of them ask me how I'm doing and seriously want to know! They are a bunch of fool humans who are to narrow minded to look around and be welcoming and kind to everyone. But that's what I do, I try to make everyone feel welcome and feel like someone actually does care about them. And do you know why? I do it because I don't want them to feel like I have every day of my waking life!

And on top of all that I get a bunch of idiots who think they can say something to make me feel better. A bunch of morons who say stupid things that I already know. Fools who think that by telling me about my strong points is going to make me like myself and be less critical of what I do. And then I have to deal with those people who like to point out my flaws. Those are the people who are lucky that I have rules that bind everything I do, for otherwise I would teach them just how much pain the human body can take without shutting down. I KNOW what my flaws are, and I KNOW what my strengths are. Nothing anyone can say will make me feel any different about myself or others. And then I've got those mental people who think that by telling me that only I can make things better or me is going to make me change. I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. I am FULLY aware of what to do to change my life, and I know that it is healthier to feel good about yourself. But how dumb must you be to not realize this? I know things, I see things and understand exactly what it is to do to change things. I know how to change other people, for better or worse. I know how to manipulate emotions and feelings. I know how to be convincing. but every time someone I care about learns that, they don't believe that I don't use my skills. WHY WOULD I LIE TO SOMEONE I TRUST. 

Just because I wear masks and change for everyone to be the person I need to be to make them happy does not mean that I am a liar. I sacrifice my own well being and happiness to help others, I sacrifice myself for everyone around me. Yet you dare call me a liar and a fake? You DARE make fun of me?? My anger and rage become hotter and stronger every year, bottled inside of me, waiting to be let lose. You think you will be safe? The more pain I take the stronger my rage, the more often I'm hurt the weaker the seal that holds me sane. And for the sake of all around me, you had better watch what you say that you don't make me snap. For if I snap and my rage is unleashed, it will not be pleasant for anyone. Never has it been let out, never have I allowed myself to show my real anger. But I do know that if it were it happen, you would not know me. My darkness would become real and it would take over my body and become another person. My anger and fury would destroy everyone around me, I would tear down every person I know, and they would have no defense. I have studied people and pain for as long as I have been able to understand the world around me, and I am quiet sensitive to feelings and emotions around me. I am VERY capable of tearing down the people in my life, and if I can't tear them down, I can cause extreme sadness and pain. 

So what is your plan? What do you think you are doing, playing with my mind? do you WANT it to fracture? Do you think that by acting as you do you won't force me to be lost? I have hurt you already, and you know that I could have done far more. You KNOW the pain and damage I can cause, you have seen a small taste of a sample of it. You have seen me harm others while still sane, you have seen what I can do even with the wall of my feelings covering my rage. Now Imagine what will happen if you tear down my wall the rest of the way?

The End

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