Just Some Things I FoundMature

Because I like shoving my life somewhere and what better place than a place of writing?
Along with the fact that I may be wiping my computer and thus, losing all this wondrous nonsense~

/sidenote - this is from Habbo Hotel, because I was awesome.\
[FBI] Head of Security [DL]

Right. I'm going to start losing weight.
04/09/2011 - 9st10
11/09/2011 -
/sidenote - or not. I weight less than that now :3 -weighs self- yes, I weigh less than that. Not that I'm anywhere near happy with my current weight but.. it's not as bad..\

/sidenote - The anime things which I have watched or planned to watch ~bleach being one I still do sometimes - I'm cool x3~\
Bleach - E.154
Naruto - E.0
Fruits basket - E.0
Ouran High School
Host Club - E.0
Elfen Lied - E.0
Vampire Knight - E.0
Vampire Hunter - E.0
Dragonball - E.0
Code Geass - E.0
D.N.Angel - E.0
Dragon Ball Z - E.0
Gakuen Alice - E.0
Detective Conan - E.0
One piece - E.0
Hunter x hunter - E.0
Shugo Chara - E.0
Inuyasha - E.0
Yu-Yu Hakusho - E.0
Kyo Kara Maoh - E.0
Higurashi no
naku koro ni - E.0
Tales of Vesperia - Not sure if its episodes

Outlaw Star - End and grew to love it, watch again!
Death note - Finito, watch again perhaps...
FMA - End and I loved it ^_^ -- watch again someday <3
Tokyo Mew Mew - Finished books and I'd read them again again

/sidenote - horoscopes for the win~\
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

PISCES - The Dreamer
Generous, kind, and thoughtful.. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

/sidenote - I vaguely remember this.. I think it was an email~\
You are close to not caring anymore

/sidenote - fb quiz\
You're sad and alone,your heart has been through alot and you can hardly bear it, you pretend to be happy to protect the ones you love.

/'nother fb quiz\
You have blue eyes. You are an upset person. You have had a hard life and that has left you with a sad out look on life but you always hope that it gets better. You aren't very strong willed but you won't fold to what others want you to be. When life gets hard you just try to make it through and hope it turns out all right. Although life for you is often hard. You don't have a very large amount of friends but those friends are a lot like you and you are very close knit. (eyes of sad hope)

/Full Metal Alchemist, an anime series. I loved it and this was pretty much the catchphrase of the main guy :3\

/No clue~\
Fireath - dark eternal

You are imaginative and colorful. You attract people just by the way you talk. This can make some people feel jealous.

/my second attempt at tracking my weight.....\
Do at 9pm properly each night..
03/09/09 -

GLaDoS - Still alive <3

Fizzy logic 4/14 :D

I am, at this moment in time, B-L-U-E-B-E-R-R-Y-B-A-N-A-N-A-G-R-A-P-E-P-E-A-C-H-S-T-R-A-W-B-E-R-R-Y
Which I shall call... Bluenagrapeachberry. =]

/cheery sod\
My life, 'Why am I in so much pain?' ='[

/Quoting Rory\
Scrubs is a cure all...

-forgotten his code name again- -- Love -- Ai
His code name is Loki... -- Destruction -- Loki
His code name is Rai -.- -- Trust -- Rai
He doesn't have a code name.. except maybe ADHD loon.. -- Calm -- Yasuo
He also doesn't have a code name -laughing- -- Honest -- Naoko
Nor does he~ -- Child -- Koji

/Things were.. rough.\
I think the worst thing is that.. I keep thinking its over.. that I'll stop thinking about it.. it'll stop having affect on me... that I wrote it down and it deleted itself and I thought 'this is it, it's like it's deleted itself from me.. now I can forget' but I didn't. And when we agreed it was a mistake I thought 'It's over.. I don't need to worry about it anymore, I don't need to think about it at all' and I still do. I keep thinking it's over and.. it's not.. it's only been a few days.. they say a regret is a mistake you didn't learn from.. so yes, I regret this.
It'll be over soon.. it always feels like this at the start.. but that was the 'broken hearts' what is this? Why does it come back to me? Why does it haunt me?
It'll be over soon. (1/11/09)
(4/11/09)I said it'd be over soon. I'm ok now.. I haven't looked in any mirrors without a top on though to be fair... I'm ok.

/honestly can't remember who all of these are..\
Rai - Before I met you, I never knew what it was like to love someone so much that loosing them is a pain that feels like being torn apart.
Can't remember his code name~ - Before I met you, I never knew that annoyance and anger could ever bring me so much joy :')
Loki - Before I met you, I never knew that pleasure could bring fear.
Loki - And I never knew that wanting which feels as though I need more.
Loki - And I never knew the difference between play and passion.
Chris? - Before I met you, I never knew the jealousy that one person could feel.
no clue - Before I met you, I never knew the sadness and loneless caused by misfortune.
Elle - Before I met you, I never realised how hard it was for popular people to have less popular friends...
umm.. Rai? - Before I met you, I never knew that a few simple words could make a day countless times better.
Devil? - Before I met you, I never knew how little boys seem to mean to me.
This is definitely Chris.. I think.. - Before I met you, I never knew that it was possible for someone to go to those lengths..
Loki.. bastard. - Before I met you, I was truly innocent.

So what if the last is a repeated person, I'd repeated him three times already and I felt he was.. pretty much most important. Other than the one at the beginning..

I regret nothing I have done because though I have made.. so many mistakes.. I have learnt. From each and every one of them I've learnt something and my most recent lesson, well, there are two:
1) Learn to hold back, learn to say no. It causes a great deal of trouble if I don't.
2) No guy is worth my pain. No matter what they say or do. No matter how much they say they love me. No matter how much they say they care about me. No matter how they make me feel. No guy is worth my pain. No matter what I do to deserve feeling that pain, I feel it not for them, but for myself and it will always be that way. Except, it never has been that way.

I am sick of people sticking up for him. So what all of that stuff you said mum. He could've done something?! And you know what, it doesn't matter anyway because me and him, we're not friends. Yeah, I'm gonna blame myself for that but so what? HE is the one who got back with her.. That's clarity for you. Well.. I guess that I meant as much to him as I made it seem that he meant to me.. so long so called friend. - Rai Starwind, I no longer miss you. I no longer wish I was there and I HOPE I don't see you at Christmas.

/Twilight reference, Rai is my Edward here, John who's code name I can't remember, is Jacob.\
Lets say he is Edward. Would I run away to save him if it was my fault? Yes. Would I go even if you begged me to stay with you? Probably. Have I ever felt feelings for him that are stronger than the ones I have for you? Yes. If he came back and stopped being like this, would I choose him over you? Yes.

I'm sorry that I still miss him, I'm sorry that memories still give me butterflies, I'm sorry that I think I'm gonna find this all difficult and if I do cry in Titanic then it won't just because of the movie.. I'm sorry that I don't like you enough, I'm sorry that I'm going to end up hurting you, I'm sory that I love him, I'm sorry that love's impossible.. I'm sorry that he hurt me, I'm sorry I dragged you into this, I'm sorry that you're only Jacob, I'm sorry that you love me..

I don't want to be Vulnerable.

I want a guy who isn't too sexual, likes me for my personality not my sexuality, who'll hug me without dropping his arms, who'll stay on the phone when I'm not talking, who can have a conversation with me without asking a lot of questions, who I feel comfortable with, who cares about me and won't say he loves me until he really means it.. am I asking for too much? :P

I swear I'll try harder, I swear it.

/My sweet Golocni..\
'That's why I like acting... you can be this insanely depressed woman and people just clap' :/

I recognise that feeling. When my body whispers 'cry, you know you want to' and it's generally true. When my stomache hurts and my whole body suddenly tingles and I blame it on weariness or being cold. I was happy once. I say 'truly happy' a lot... 'I'm never truly happy now' truly happy is when things don't bring my down. When little passing comments or 'shh'es don't upset me much if not at all.. but they do, have for a long time. Chris hasn't cut in 7 months I think he said.. but that's not thanks to me.. it was my fault he started again. So great, he's better now. He wouldn't have needed to get better without me. I've tried to stop blaming myself for everything but I don't know how... It's part of me now. It takes over my life and I don't do my work for school. I cry at home because I remember one thing and then I remember everything.. passing comments make my throat clog up, 'jokes' to do with slitting wrists make me angry enough to beat the crap out of who made it. Loneliness fills me.. always. I can't escape the loneliness ever. It's there with the sadness.. waiting to be called upon. They wait for weakness and hit me hard. Crying is just another part of my life.. relations which make no sense.. 'Joth' 'lisp, just another thing wrong with my life..' 'my dad doesn't love me and I'll never meet him now because mum would hate it if I did' 'so alone..' 'no friends' 'no place where I feel 'truly' happy' 'no Rai'.. no escape. so lonely.. always so lonely..

It's my birthday, it's my heart, it's my life, why can't I just go out with him? I like him :/ but.. but.. he brings Rai back.. and Rai hurts a little bit.. not as much now but it's still a kick in the shin to think of him and it's becoming a right pain in the backside -.- why can't Rai bugger off and let me fall for Matt? Matt.. I like that name (: Matt -insert last name- <3 nice ^^

Mr -last name above-.. beautiful eyes <3 I don't care how he talks about me... he can act like he owns me if he wants, that's ok. His eyes are my favourite colour but they seem to change.. they're beautiful ^^ and his hair is so unbelievably soft! He's pretty =]
Mr -different last name- kisses well... Mr -last name above-'s kisses make me happy... -different last-'s kisses made me wanna have sex with him =/ -last above-'s make me wanna kiss him more...
I scare myself sometimes.. I kind of wonder why I've never hurt myself.. I look over things I've said.. I've been so sad before but I've always controlled that part of me.. the part that asks to die when everything's going wrong, I won't let myself do that.
Matt =] noice ^^

Ibuprofen hasn't kicked in yet and I have a baaad headache.
John is asking if I'll ever love Chris or something.. I'm not really paying attention.
I miss actually feeling in love. I know I probably wasn't but I miss that butterflies in your stomache when you see them. And the smile makes you melt. And the when they hold you everything else dissapears. And the I would die for them. Though to be fair, I'd die for most people. I'm not a selfless person really but if someone was going to get shot, I'd jump infront. If someone needed a heart transplant RIGHT NOW then I'd give them mine because their life means more to me than mine does. I'm not selfless I just don't care about my own life.
And on that HAPPY note.. blurgh.
'I miss missing you' .. I actually miss Chris, all this time I was expecting mysef not to but I'm doing that.. checking my phone every two seconds thing. -Sigh-
Matt, pay attention to me please. I'm bored of having no attention.
See, I'm not attention seaking either, I only really want attention from the person going out with me... too much to ask? -Shrug- I don't care if it is. I want a donut. I'm gonna go to the shop.

/Twelve days before the one year mark, nice one Lucy.\
After twelve months (almost) I do not love you. Throughout the entirety of our relationship I have nearly cheated on you countless times and really you should have broken up with me. I don't listen to your problems. I think it's crap and all that you hate where you live but at least it's a fucking roof over your head. Stop bloody complaining. They feed you and keep you living and that is all that bloody matters. So what if they piss you off. You piss me off. I don't complain about you that much to be honest and I can complain about you because you aren't putting a roof over my fucking head. Get the fuck over it. Your life could be great. Just try harder. And if not? I don't give a fuck. I don't want to be with you. I haven't wanted to be with you for what feels like a long time.. You have loads of homework and whatnot? That's wonderful, now you'll have more time to do it. I'm done.

' I won't let myself do that.'
Funny how things change really.
Morals, understanding, feeling, views, thoughts.
'I've been so sad before but I've always controlled that part of me.. the part that asks to die when everything's going wrong'
That was a lie. I had and have tried to kill myself before and yes, I hadn't tried to cut myself but in the grand scheme of things what is worse?

/And on that lovely note..
This was all from one note on my computer screen~\

The End

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