"I want him to be my first. I want to feel every part of him in and around me. I love him"- Patricia Teichroeb- 14
The depth of my desires to feel a love so deep from a boy at the age of fourteen is absolutely sad and degrading. When I came across the last 3 journals in the memory box I have kept, I knew these ones were for my eyes only. I knew if my daughter saw these she would be scarred for life. It was like the devil and the Lord God were at a constant battle for my heart. I could not decide which way I wanted to go. As I would cast a love spell, I would beg God to let it work . As I spoke to the dead in the graveyard, I would ask Jesus to protect me from evil spirits. Opening my palms to a psychic medium while boasting how no one can predict the future like Christ can. I was a mind game. Just a sick, mis guided human struggling to hang on to anything or anyone that would make me feel something. I didn't care if it was pain, anger, love, guilt or pleasure, i needed a sense of being and if I had to find it in dark places, nobody and nothing could stop me from going there. If played innocent in my own head, nobody could detect the twisted person I actually was inside.
As I reflected back to 2003, my eyes burned from so many tears. I was so alone in my world. I was anywhere in everywhere. I remember the embarrassment I felt when my mom found the notes from my first real boyfriend. I remember the anger I felt when she read my notes to my best friend about how many cigarettes I got for $4, off a friend. It seemed like my mother would come in waves. She would come in like a whirlwind now and then to rip apart my room and diaries to make sure I was okay, but that was all. Whatever she found was pointless because I was left alone that same day to stew in my filth and shame.
As I flip through these pages in my notebooks, I have a hard time remembering the events I wrote about. I read them as a bystander, not the person who went through the terror and pain. I feel anger towards the young girls parents and friends...I feel embarrassment for her as she walks around with clenched fists and an angry brow everywhere she goes trying to protect her pride and dignity. I wish I could go back and save her from what more was to come.