Yeah, I look at you and I think "I don't like you, but I have to pretend I do." You don't seem to catch my subtle hints of annoyance when you speak to me. When I look at you, I think, "your always there, and yet, I'm rude and a little arrogant towards you, I'm sorry. I just can't quite grasp how much you mean to me." Then I look at you and say to myself, "were supposed to be best mates. But of course, I'm a hindrance to you, aren't I? You act like you like me, but really you just want me to leave her to you, so I don't get any of my share until you say so." So when these people say shit to you, just ignore them. But inside, your heart twinges and your heads all fucked up and your minds all ablurr and you wonder if other people think of you that way! I want to go up to you and shout in your face, but I'm too cowardly. I want to go up to that person and beat him up until he's a bloody mess, sneering and cursing him to the ends of the earth. But You can't. Because I'm too cowardly. I wont do it simply because I've got a clean slate, and if I were to damage it, my home life would be a annoyance. I'm trying to meet all of your expectations but it's hard when I want to be me and go around wearing that shirt you all think is weird. I say I don't care, but I do. I do fucking care. So it's embarassing when I way it's not. It's sad when I deny my pain. Don't you all understand? My brain feels like it's gonna frikin explode with all this stuff I need to do. And when that certain person yells at me for doing one mistake, I lash out, mad. Fucking insane with all this stuff that fills my mind. Because if I do one thing, another person calls me a liar and if I do another thing it happens again. So I'm a liar, so what? So I pretend, so what? I can't help it. I'm just like that. Because you made me a liar. I wanted to change my mind, but your expectations are all far too high, you all have different opinions and I just can't keep up! Your driving me fucking crazy and it kills me. I'm withering away, twisted in a web of my own stories that aren't even true. Yeah, you made me into this thing. I don't even know myself anymore I've lied so much. I'm not the person you think I am. Please, just accept it. I wish I could scream this in the middle of the schools' campus! Kicking and slapping anyone who tries to stop my cries of releif. I want to finally become the lost person inside of the locked chambers of my heart! This is what happens when you get too close to too many people. It rips you away from reality and your thrown into a world of lies and snickers and thoughts of fear and you worry and you lie to escape the sneers of the people your close to.
Yeah, this fucks you up and you can't stop it. But then your there. You think you know every single little thing about me. You don't. You've only touched the tiny tip of the iceberg. And believe me, you aren't allowed ant further.