Okay, so I'm pretty much just pouring out my thoughts. It's 100% true, and inspired by charlieissocoollike.
I'm scared of not making an impact on people. I'm scared of dying and not being remembered. I know that sounds so narcissistic, but it's true. I want to change peoples' lives for the better, like so many people have for me. Not just famous people like Tim Minchin and Frank Turner (although they've done a hell of a lot for me), but my friends. Rachel, Tom, Meaghan, Sophie, Lauren, Cait - if you're reading this, thanks. You guys are ace.
I'm scared of being judged wrongly. It's why I make such an effort with my clothes and hair, because, if someone doesn't know you, they're the only things someone can judge you on. So, I make sure my hair and clothes choice reflects me as much as possible. It doesn't help that I go to a school that has a uniform and is very strict with it, although I'm nicely in the middle of the 'populars' and 'outcasts', leaning towards the latter. I think the reason behind this fear is that, if people wrongly assess me they've built up an image in there head of who I am, and often they're wrong.
But, by saying this, I'm a hypocrite.
I judge people every day, and know I do, but do it as little as possible - as level-headed as possible. For example, if I see a group of girls wearing heavy makeup, tight skirts and six inch heels walking down the street, I think, "maybe it's a hen night, or a birthday" instead of "what a (insert insult here)". But mainly, I take pity on them, because they've dropped to the low standard of society. This is apparently what's acceptable now, and that's not right. We should at least accept who we are and not try to cover it up with makeup and fake tan. I may be afraid of being judged wrongly, but I'm proud of who I am and won't change for anyone, no matter how weird or nerdy I am.
I'm sacred of what people think. Although this is probably the one that sounds most stupid, it's the most important to me. I think it's a human trait that we want to be liked, even loved, by people, even if it's just the tiniest amount of affirmation that someone likes you, and enjoys being with you. I also think that, as a human, I have so much pressure on my life - not just GCSEs and 'does he fancy me?', but 'do people like who I am? Do I like who I am?' and 'am I making them proud? Or am I letting them down?'. There are so many people that I want to, well, like me: friends, family, teachers, and also complete strangers (I'll some on to that in a sec.). But I don't think it's possible, in any way, to make everyone happy. Either I'll enjoy doing something, but I'll be letting people down and making them unhappy, of the other way round.
I said that I wanted 'complete strangers' to like me, but to most of you, this will seem a bit odd. The thing is, I want to start video blogging (vlogging), but I'm scared that people won't like my videos. It's not just that though. In the videos, I'll be myself all the time, and as honest as I can be - if people don't like the videos, they don't like me.
And that's where the real problem starts. I'll think twice before sharing something, leading me to not make anything as frequently, leading me to not want to make anything at all. Because I'm scared to - I'll be scared to create, which is, to be frank, horrible. It's happened twice before, once with a piece that I was thinking of putting up on Protagonize, and once with my songs. I used to write songs a lot as they were, for me, the best way to express myself. But I shared these with some people. And the reaction - what they thought - was so bad, I've only just started writing them again, about 7/8 months after. And I still haven't put up the piece of writing I was going to - that's hidden somewhere deep within the notebook cavern that is my room
I'm scared of heights. They make me squeamish.