I'm not all right.
I've tried to hide it for a while now,
Tried to keep my walls up – as suggested –
and I barricaded the world from my senses,
My numb and rotten senses.
I think I've forgotten these memories of life;
They are photographic, but blank paper –
Nothing is a substitute for real life, for clutching a needing hand,
For a smile to penetrate my facade of a thousand smiles
broken for their sake.
It's not just that I would deny the world my truth;
Sometimes I deceive myself: I can do this.
Two more months of obstacles and I will change lives,
Swapping away the hurt for another street of my heart.
But sometimes I can't. It's easy to remember that I had been depressed,
Alone, I tried to die – and still they didn't see.
I let myself pretend I could do that again,
The amazing actress – and work and school never saw the heart.
But time has been too long,
Depression's seeping tendrils want me, they have me,
They will eat me with every thought I betray.
Addiction smiles better than I
With a gaping abyss coaxing:
Taste and kiss me, sap and drain me –
I have your escape, you merely name it.
And I do, in every new heartbreak:
Alcohol, nicotine, bulimia, exercise to lose this overeaten weight,
prescription drugs like the girl on the television,
everything to replace the missing pieces in my chest.
Emptiness is my temper, self-confidence lies under my shoes.
I must not pick up another knife,
Regardless of how I lack intellectually.
But there's the difficulty, temptation
is lapping at my soles, day after day now, as the black
cloud has found her way over my head.
I want to speak out – but, like every villain,
She has a grip – and I am covering my own ugly mouth.
Where is trust when he left me a year ago?
That form of the only angel I knew.
Where are the words to speak of my prescience –
That danger abounds? No, the silence is celotaped,
So I cover the others' eyes.
If only the one who will not be deceived would surface.
I just wish I could phone you
Or look you in the eye
Or lie to one more person about my feelings –
But then you'd know,
You'd reply, an eyebrow raised
And then I could tell someone the truth as he let me weep on his shoulder:
"No, I'm not all right."