I'm Not All Right

I'm not all right.

I've tried to hide it for a while now,

Tried to keep my walls up – as suggested –

and I barricaded the world from my senses,

My numb and rotten senses.

I think I've forgotten these memories of life;

They are photographic, but blank paper –

Nothing is a substitute for real life, for clutching a needing hand,

For a smile to penetrate my facade of a thousand smiles

broken for their sake.

It's not just that I would deny the world my truth;

Sometimes I deceive myself: I can do this.

Two more months of obstacles and I will change lives,

Swapping away the hurt for another street of my heart.

Hardly.

But sometimes I can't. It's easy to remember that I had been depressed,

Alone, I tried to die – and still they didn't see.

I let myself pretend I could do that again,

The amazing actress – and work and school never saw the heart.

But time has been too long,

Depression's seeping tendrils want me, they have me,

They will eat me with every thought I betray.

Addiction smiles better than I

With a gaping abyss coaxing:

Taste and kiss me, sap and drain me –

I have your escape, you merely name it.

And I do, in every new heartbreak:

Alcohol, nicotine, bulimia, exercise to lose this overeaten weight,

prescription drugs like the girl on the television,

everything to replace the missing pieces in my chest.

Emptiness is my temper, self-confidence lies under my shoes.

I must not pick up another knife,

Regardless of how I lack intellectually.

But there's the difficulty, temptation

is lapping at my soles, day after day now, as the black

cloud has found her way over my head.

I want to speak out – but, like every villain,

She has a grip – and I am covering my own ugly mouth.

Where is trust when he left me a year ago?

That form of the only angel I knew.

Where are the words to speak of my prescience –

That danger abounds? No, the silence is celotaped,

So I cover the others' eyes.

If only the one who will not be deceived would surface.

I just wish I could phone you

Or look you in the eye

Or lie to one more person about my feelings –

But then you'd know,

You'd reply, an eyebrow raised

"Really?"

And then I could tell someone the truth as he let me weep on his shoulder:

"No, I'm not all right."

The End

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