I never thought I would. I couldn’t imagine myself becoming so completely overwhelmed by such trivial nonsense that I would forget.
And now I sit here, heart racing and fingers quivering, because it all seems so foreign. This action, this state of being, which had been a second nature to me, had fallen from my grasp. I had once decided to dedicate my entire being to this and the idea that I had stopped trying (consciously or not) terrified me more than my words can express.
How could it all be so lost?
Will I ever be able to find it again?
I shouldn’t be so scared. Why should I be afraid of the thing that once filled me with so much life? When did confidence and passion fade to meekness and self-doubt?
Even now, as I sit in my room staring out the window, I can feel the struggle waging on inside. The terror and the exhilaration. The fear that questions why I’m even returning to this? Maybe I had fallen away because it was the universe’s gentle way of telling me ‘No’. No, I wasn’t supposed to do this. No, this isn’t what I had once thought it would be.
Because this was never going to be easy. If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it.