or, Why I Should Never Be Taken Seriously
Over the weekend I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of two friends. I don’t know what else to say at this point, so I’ll launch right to the point of this chapter in my life. It begins at some point during the reception (this chapter, rather, not my life).
I had sat down to eat an assortment of cut vegetables, a pulled pork sandwich, a pair of meatballs, and other food stuffs off a Styrofoam plate, eager to quell the rumbling beast in my belly. I may or may not have muttered whispered pleasantries at this stomach-dwelling monster, assuring it of the imminent feeding frenzy. My friends were happily unaware of my insanity at this point.
Unaware, that is, until the champagne popped.
The cork rocketed skyward, followed quickly by that tell-tale sound. More than one person uttered a shriek of surprise, and I am happy to report that neither of those someones were me. But, you ask, why would someone scream after a champagne bottle is opened? Do they have some irrational fear of noises that erupt from beverage containers?
No, dear reader. The truth is much more terrifying than that.
You see, the champagne bottle was unattended at the time of its popping, sat alone on a table reserved for the happy couple. It seemed to have popped by itself, a victim of some phenomenon likely explainable by science.
But I am never happy with what science has to say. I knew that this unceremonious and spontaneous de-corking was the work of something sinister. The culprit? Ghosts.
I relayed this information to my table, and we were soon discussing the obvious possession of the bubbly.
Eventually the ghost champagne was poured, though more bottles were opened in order to properly fill the cups of each guest. Our table was dismayed when three glasses of possessed champagne were delivered alongside the others. These safe glasses were snatched quickly, and the losers consoled about their fate. Everyone knew what would happen after drinking the ghost champagne, and common courtesy demanded that the toast to the couple be made.
Let us now take a moment to remember their sacrifice, made to assure the happiness of our now married friends.