I like to think that my faith would be enough to get me into heaven. I mean, I haven't done anything seriously wrong, right? I haven't killed anyone, I haven't done anything, well, major ... I've told a few lies, sure, but everyone does that, haven't they? I guess that's what we all think.

People have told me so many times that no matter what you do you can earn forgiveness, because God loves  you; they've told me that Jesus is the only way to get into heaven and you don't have to earn it -- there's nothing you can do to make yourself more likely to get into heaven, because all you have to do is believe. I wish I could believe that.

It seems to me that love's just a big story. I can't imagine half the people I know of who 'believe in Jesus' getting to heaven, not the way they behave. And yet that's what we're taught, so I'm not sure any more. It screws up my brain.

That's why I think I'm going to hell.

Like I said, I haven't done anything majorly wrong. But I haven't done anything majorly right either. I raised some money for charity, great. But did I physically go and help those people? Did I physically free the slaves, feed the hungry, house the homeless and clothe the naked? No. I left that all to somebody else.

Well, I guess there are times when I'm down and this time of my life is definitely one of them ... but matters such as afterlife often require a bit of thought. Perhaps tomorrow I'll once again be convinced of my eligibility to pass through those pearly gates. Or perhaps not. I'll get back to you on that one.

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