I know you, sir.Mature

This is something I wrote about a couple of ex-boyfriends, but I personified them into one person. This doesn't fall under the category of story, poem or excersize (unless coping mechanism counts). But this is a very deep, thought provoking piece of writing that is well-worth the read.

Why is it that no matter how cruelly you treat me or how degrading your words are, I can only find it in me to hate myself and not you? Why is it that no matter how many times you taunt me or call me filthy names, I still find it in my heart to hope for reconciliation? You are a beautiful disaster that should have never graced this planet. You are a lost cause wandering this earth, looking for acceptance in all the places that bring you torment, and bringing torment to those who try to give you the world. You are a demon sent from hell only to cause pain and destruction not only to those around you but to yourself the most. You are a wildfire in an ice storm, blazing bright begging to be seen, but your demise is inevitable. You cannot fight what you are. You are a disgrace, you are a blessing. You are everything I’ve ever wanted along with the very thing that will surely kill me, but still I stick around. I cant bring myself to see you as the beast you really are. You are the monster in my closet that I somehow befriended, but it turns out that was all a part of your plan. Do you feel like a baller when you roll up that dollar and inhale the powder that makes you float into an ignorant oblivion? Do you feel good about yourself knowing the one who would give her last breath for you to take in one more is in the very next room contemplating suicide because she cant meet your sick satisfactions? I stand in the boiling shower washing away the dirty deeds and I did to see the corner of your lip twitch upward for maybe a nanosecond, thinking about the unrealistic future of love and comfort that I crave so deeply. Oh, how I wish to wake up in the morning without this heavy weight in my heart, pulling at the veins its connected to allowing my blood to fill me up and secrete through the salty tears that I wish would heal your wounds. That was a thing of the past. Now I stand in the boiling shower, nails scratching at my skin trying desperately to wash off the thick layer of guilt that coats my body. I try to wash off the stench of shame that you brought to light, to no avail. I’m sitting in the shower watching the blood slip down the drain, swirling in hot red pools. My eyes follow the trails to holes in my arms were scars once were, but now remain reopened. Now my tears fall into my own flesh, asking for forgiveness that will never be bestowed. I know who you are now. You were sent to me to make me see myself for what I really am. A bitch, a fucking whore, an undeserving river rat who will never know what its like to see true happiness. Because of you, I will never know what its like to feel the sun on my skin, for I am now numb. I can never feel the grass between my toes or the sensation in my heart when the music speaks to me spiritually. I will never notice the contrast of the moon and midnight sky as my artistic eye once did, for I have lost my touch. I have lost the things that make me the amazing individual you once made me believe I was. Now I am merely a vessel walking aimlessly through this purgatory, knocking on every door that will never be opened. You are the demon that dressed yourself like salvation. I look into your eyes and see no remorse, you’ve gotten exactly what you wanted just like you always do. You are a vampire, and I am your prey. You have latched on, draining me spiritually and emotionally, so when you're done I am barely able to breathe, writhing in pain waiting for my strength to be restored.  


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