I refuse to allow anyone to make me their savior. EVER.
I AM NOT YOUR SAVIOR!
Hello. My name is Cassandra, and I am a human.
This means that I am not your savior.
I want you to know that I love you. I am here for you, and I support you. That is not to say I support the choices you're making, but that I support you. You. There is a difference.
I have spent so many nights, staying up with you in an attempt to keep you from doing the things that hurt you. Perhaps our conversations kept you from running back to those things for a brief period of time, but soon enough, you ran right back to the things you hate.
After all I give you, you keep wanting more. At first, you wanted someone to listen to you. I caught on right away that you didn't want to change; you wanted to dump all your problems on me. I dealt with this without saying a word. Pardon me; that was my first mistake.
When you wanted to talk 24/7, I held my tongue and listened. I didn't think it was my place to speak up.
Lifting you up caused me to sink.
But now, you have told me that I cannot let you even think about self-harm. That I must keep you from hurting yourself.
There is absolutely no way that I can keep you from thinking anything, my friend. There is absolutely no way I can save you from hurting yourself. And in any case, you keep proving to me that even though you talk about wishing you were free, you do not want to make any moves toward freedom.
I am a human. This means that I am not your savior.
I cannot empty myself out continually any longer. I cannot give things that were not meant to be given. You know the cliche about there being a "God-shaped hole" in your heart? Well, I want you to know something.
I am not a goddess. I cannot fill the God-shaped hole in your heart. I cannot fill it halfway. I cannot even fill it one fourth of the way, because I am not even one-fourth a goddess.
I cannot give you what you seek. I am a mere human. I cannot move your mountains. I cannot determine your thought patterns. I cannot keep your hand from reaching for the razor.
I can only hold your hand and cry with you. But not all the time. I must take care of myself. I cannot uphold you. I cannot wring my heart out and expect it to somehow enliven yours.
When you are ready for a healthy relationship, I will be here. Your bridges are not entirely burned; they are only guarded against codependency. I feel guilty about not solving your problems for you. I feel guilty about not trying to solve your problems for you! But how can I solve your problems when it's hard enough to solve my own?
I love you. I really, really do. But I cannot be your savior any longer.
I cannot wait around in the cold for even another moment.
I am a human. I am not your savior.