How To Begin (Or Not To Begin) A Three-Minute Speech

Told to do a speech. This is what I came up with, quite simply. Sorry, I don't mean to abuse my poor dear reader, or to sound excessively arrogant. It just came out like that.

Even if I had never been antipathetic to the very idea of any form of speaking in public, I confess that I was childishly daunted at the beginning of this project, simply by the prospect of being expected to speak for three entire minutes on the topic of a book I had never before set eyes upon. In the same way, many of you, audience, must be rather daunted at the prospect of being expected to understand and concentrate for three minutes on a book you know nothing about. I have tried my best to accommodate for such sad circumstances, having finished the book in question and having decided that it was perfectly worthy of my best efforts as far as retaining your interest is concerned.

In fact, I have tested this very speech on my two cats, they not having read the book previously, and these willing listeners were held simply spellbound by my presentation, if not by the angler fish helmet I happened to be wearing at the time, allowing for just a few naughty gestures in my direction, which were to be expected in the thoughtless communication of such a primitive species.

However, this, along with the three factors that my feline audience was substantially hairier than is comfortable, possessing of a multitude of eyes, and lacking in the golden powers of concentration and courtesy, only served to convince me how invaluably accurate were my cats in playing the part of my real audience – how valid a test subject they proved – and as it was indeed a test, and so an understated circumstance, I am impressed with my swift thinking and ingenious idea, which allowed me to prepare for the more greatly exaggerated qualities of the dear audience I now behold before me.

And now, having effectively wasted approximately one minute and thirty-four seconds of your time, and having conveniently killed over half of my allotted three minutes without having so much as disclosed the title of the book in question, I shall proceed to elaborate on my given topic, though, not being able to remember the content of the book I read, I will explain its title, and, with a little improvisation, I will have filled with adept skill the three minutes granted me.

The End

2 comments about this work Feed