How Not to Cook French Food

This is a script for a competition that the French Film Embassy in New Zealand put on, but it was never made. I still thinks it's a funny script and maybe I could make it sometime. The characters Dick Tater and Boozy Osmond are based on the characters of the host and Poge Mahone from Spike Milligan's skit "Idiot of the Year". The name, Boozy Osmond is a parody of Ozzy Osbourne.


Dick Tater                  Host of "How Not to Cook French Food"

Amelin                         Large breasted, famous French chef

Boozy Osmond         Local village idiot

Judge                           Judge of the Competition


Play starts with Opening title of "How Not to Cook French Food". Presenter walks on stage in typical "dodgy host" costume and explains what happens.


Tater:               Hello and welcome to... How Not to Cook French Food I'm your host Dick Tater, and here are the contestants for today's show. On the left, let's give a big hand for Amelin François, a highly acclaimed French Chef all the way from Bordeaux, and believe me folks she needs a big hand (Audience laughs, "Boobs joke no. 1" appears at the top of the screen). And on the right we have Boozy Osmond...


Boozy:             Hullo, Mister POtater!


Tater:               hmm, quite. This is the local village dunce; it's a pleasure to have him here tonight because it's not often you get to see a complete idiot make a fool of himself on television.


Boozy:             Oh! If only. My dad was a complete idiot, I be only a half-wit!


Tater:               I'm sure you'll make him proud. (Audience laughs) Today's recipe will be crêpes... French style! Before we start, do you have anything to say contestants?


Boozy:             (sings to the tune of the alphabet), A, B, J, M, E, L... K... duhh?


Tater:               What a truly moving speech, and I wished I moved earlier. (Audience laughs)


Dick moves to the side and ingredients are put on the tables in front of contestants. Amelin graciously puts them in order while Boozy shoves them all to one side.


Tater:               now, contestants, are you ready?


Amelin:                       Oui!


Boozy:             Uuummm? (Pulls a funny face and farts) yeah!


Tater:               (waves his hand over his face and stumbles a bit) (coughs) Oh dear! Somebody needs a nappy change (Audience laughs)


Tater:               Ready, set GET COOKING!


Amelin gets out a bowl and sifts the flour and baking powder gently and lightly adds the salt. Boozy throws the bag of flower in the bowl and rips it open. He then throws the baking powder container into the bowl, takes the lid off the salt and pours all of it in then puts the salt container in the bowl too. He stirs it with his hands and puts nearly half of it on the bench.


Tater:                  Great start from Amelin there, wonderful sifting going on. Boozy however obviously hasn't got the idea of packaging yet. (Audience laughs, laughs cut off completely by Dick moving his hand quickly to one side. Boozy imitates and throws his arm all over the place and eventually into his bowl.)


Tater:               Now, Boozy...


Boozy:             Yeah, that's me, yes sir?


Tater:               Boozy, I want you to tell me and the audience what we are making...


Boozy:             Ohh, that's easy that's EASY!


Tater:               Alright then, tell us.


Boozy:             Ooh, that's not easy!


Tater:               Come on Boozy, you must know.


Boozy:             uumm, uumm, uumm... A MESS sir!


Tater:               "A mess" is not the correct answer Boozy, the answer that we were looking for is in fact crêpes. (Audience claps)


Boozy:             ooooooohhhhhh!


Amelin carefully beats the egg in another bowl and adds it to the other bowl with the milk. Boozy opens the carton of eggs, and throws one into the bowl, shell and all, and another egg at Amelin and at Dick. The egg thrown at Amelin hits her, but the egg thrown at Dick narrowly misses him. Boozy throws another egg into the bowl and another two at Dick and Amelin. Amelin gets hit again, but Dick narrowly misses it again.


Amelin:           OH! Tu as bête, imbécile, singe Boozy! GRR!


Boozy:             (Sobbing slightly) that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.


Tater:               Some kind words from Amelin for Boozy there. You know, for a complete egghead Boozy has good aim. (Audience laughs)


Amelin stirs the mixture slowly and gracefully. Boozy stirs with his hands very fast spraying grey, lumpy, muck everywhere. While Amelin stirs in the melted butter, Boozy puts the block of butter into the microwave and melts all of it. He throws the completely melted butter into the bowl, paper and all. Then he puts all of the milk in and it overflows onto the bench and he throws the milk bottle at Dick and hits him.


Tater:               OOF! Whoever is eating Boozy's crêpes must be stupid as he is. Thank god I'm not the taster; it might end my career and my life too. (Audience laughs)


Tater:               Well, it looks like the batter is ready. It's time to start cooking those crêpes. Amelin, are you ready?


Amelin:           (Glancing sideways at Boozy and giving him a cold look) ...Oui, monsieur.


Tater:               Excellent! And you Boozy?


Boozy:             (looking sideways at Amelin giving him a cold look, he waves at her) Yup!


Tater:               Right! Ready, set Get Cooking!


Amelin gets out a frying pan from behind her and just as Boozy gets one too, as she stands up Amelin deliberately hits Boozy in the face with her frying pan.


Boozy:             OW! Duhh?


Amelin:           (snickering quietly) Oh! Excuse moi! Pardon monsieur Imbécile, ma erreur, pardon.


Dick:               Hmm, not a mistake in my eyes. (Audience boos)


Amelin puts frying pan on stove and waits for it to heat up. Boozy does the same, but as soon as the frying pan is on the stove he pours the whole mixture into pan, making it over-flow. As the frying pans start to heat up, Amelin quietly waits and pours the mixture into the pan. Boozy stands back and picks his nose laughing softly. Boozys pan starts to smoke. He flicks the snot into the pan and waves the smoke away.

Dick:               looks like Boozys death mixture is starting to smoke, I think it's time you flipped it boozy!


                        Boozy does a spin and falls over.


Dick:               Not flip yourself Boozy, the mixture! In the pan! The stuff that is smoking badly!


Boozy:             ooooooohhhhhh!


Boozy flips the pancake beautifully. Amelin however, flips her pancake and it falls out of the pan.


Dick:               Well, well, we have a professional crêpe flipper here.


Amelin:          Merci, monsieur.


Dick:               I wasn't talking to you, I was talking about boozy!


Boozy:             Thank you sir!


Dick:               You're welcome.


Amelin puts her first pancake onto a plate and puts the rest of the mixture into the frying pan. Boozy takes his pancake, out of the frying pan and onto another plate.


Boozy:             Finished!


Dick:               Excellent! Now we are just waiting on Amelin.


Amelin:                       J'arrivée monsieur!


Amelin cooks the last pancake and puts it on the plate. She stands behind it.


Dick:               Right! Time for the taste test. JUDGE! OUT YOU COME!


Judge comes out of side door and onto stage. He stares at Boozys pancake and stumbles a bit. He then looks at Amelin's pancake and smiles.


Judge:              I think I will try Amelins pancake first.


Amelin:           Merci, monsieur.


Judge walks over to Amelins table and takes a bite of Amelins Pancake. He smiles.


Judge:              Ten! (Audience applauds)


Dick:               Now to try Boozys pancake! Good luck! If you survive, I'm calling you invincible. (Audience laughs)


Judge walks over to Boozys table and starts to shake slightly. He picks up part of boozys pancake and takes a bite. He suddenly makes a loud coughing noise and wobbles around. He falls to the ground, and lies there, with his eyes looking straight up. (Audience goes silent)


Dick:               Oh dear! That's another judge gone.


Boozy:             umm, is he dead? Hey mister, are you dead? Uh oh!


Amelin:           hahaha! Tu as bête Boozy! Tu as bête!


Dick:               Well, folks, this is the end of "How NOT to Cook French food". I hope you enjoyed yourselves and for all those French cooks out there... please, do what the recipe says will you? I'm Dick Tater, and there's the door. Now, GET OUT! (Audience laughs)


            Scene ends with Dick Tater, Boozy and Amelin walking off.

The End

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