For the past few years now I’ve found that when people have problems or feel down they chose to talk to me. Apparently I’m good at it, though I always feel awkward as hell and unsure when trying to cheer them up. And I hate giving advice because I have no clue and I'm sure it'll backfire somehow and it'll be my fault even though they came to me about it.
The novelty of being the a good person and helping others out is starting to wear off. In fact it did when I ran into someone online who was constantly depressed. Every time I spoke to this person they would mention they wanted to commit suicide and end it all. The first few conversations I tried hard to cheer the person up and sometimes it worked, other time they just logged off leaving me to struggle with sleep as I worried about weather I'd see them online the next day. Eventually it became too much, I was panicking and worrying and I was being dragged back into the depression I'd fought so hard to escape. To this day I still hate the fact I hadn't had enough strength to stay their friend. But it became too much.
But that was almost a year ago now I think. But still I have people talking to me, expecting me to cheer them up. And they know the only reason I seem to have the slightest grasp on “cheering up” is because I’m constantly having to pull my own mood up. They know I struggle with depression just as much as them and expect me to be okay with listening to them moan. After a while I just reach a point where I’ve had enough. Just deal with your own crap like I do mine.
Except I know that I’m supposed to be speaking too. I'm meant to talk about my stuff because if I don't then I’m just dooming myself. It's all very messed up and hypocritical in my mind. But I just wish they'd realise I’m not always going to be the optimistic one who'll say “come on, smile!”. Because no one in their right mind is constantly happy – and if they were you'd be worrying about their mental health as well.
But today the person who was upset wasn't someone who generally ever wanted to talk about stuff. It was someone important to me and when it came to depression our attitudes are somewhat similar in that he doesn't like to talk about it either. But here he was wanting to. I should've been happy for him and helped him out. Except I'd had a niggling unhappiness all day and out of nowhere I started crying. Which I forced myself to stop.
I went online to try and distract myself. But that couldn't happen when he was clearly upset about something. I knew I was meant to ask him more questions and listen but all I did was basically tell him to leave me alone before logging off. And it wasn't fair! He had done nothing wrong, heck he understood better than anyone what it was like to constantly have people wanting you to listen. But I ended up taking it out on him and now I feel like the biggest b**** in the world which probably isn't helping the whole “I feel sad today” thing.