Well I can rant here right? And rant I shall. I will pretend I am alone and not talking to anybody.
Easter is coming up, and while many of you think Easter is no big deal, believe me it is to me. You see, I use to have a great family. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, the whole shabang. It was the only place I felt really comfortable, the only place I believed I could be myself. I didn't get nervous, I loved being around my family. They didn't know what really happened behind our closed doors, but I was happy with them. But then my parents split up. And now my Mom is filing for divorce.
Yeah. You heard right.
Its finally happened. But that's a whole other story.
So now as I look to Easter, one of the many holidays in the year, I cringe. Half of me cries out with all my heart "GO FOR GOODNESS SAKES. You'll have fun. You'll be fine."
But then the other half says "You know its going to be different. They will treat you different, they will act different. They might hurt you. Then you'll be bawling because its so different. Its a dumb idea." I have this concept in my mind, the fond memories I have spending time with my family and I long for that again. Let me restate that, I long for certain moments of that. I long to hold my new baby cousin I have yet to see. I long to see my cousins, and how big they have gotten. I want things to be normal again.
But then I realize, they are never going to be normal again. And if that is what I think normalcy is, then I need to get a new definition of the word. Because it was anything but normal.
I realize I probably won't end up going. I realize I'll probably be depressed. But I'm going to try my hardest not to be. I'm going to try to not feel lonely even though I miss them a lot.
I'll miss my Grandpa urging me to do the Easter egg hunt even though I'm 16. I'll miss my Grandma explaining to me why she got the little girl thing for me. I'll miss my cousins laughing and playing in the woods. I'll miss the ham Grandma always makes.
The thing is, this day is reserved for thanking God for what he did for us. His marvelous gift of salvation, then his gift of hope. Hope that life can spring forth where there was once death. So I'm going to anticipate that I'll feel happy. That I will keep my eyes on God instead of my situation.
This has felt good. I'll be back to rant some more ;D