RAWWWWWWWW He's the Best thing I can never have.
I just want to get this out of my system because my heart is attempting to kill me and has probably killed him already.
Ages ago, I met the sweetest, affectionate guy I could never have. Shy, kind, thoughtful yet open and loving. It wasn't until the air changed and frost formed on my fingers that he started to show how much he felt for me. He warmed me up by holding me close to him and he wasn't embarrassed. He wasn't shy around me either.
(Background knowledge) We both play instruments in the school orchestra which was playing in our school production. This week was when we were doing to real thing to audiences so we stayed after school for the four days it was on for.
Ok, the Monday before the first night, we had both started to feel more for each other and we hugged a lot and talked. On the Tuesday, we agreed to meet in one of the practise rooms in the school. I played piano for a bit (I'm a pianist) and he listened to me. I then came and sat next to him and (it may be a bit weird) I lay my head in his lap. I quickly fell asleep XD. Daaaamn, thinking about it, I sound like a little kid.
When I woke up, I was still lying across his lap facing the ceiling. He was gazing at me and he smiled when I opened my eyes. I realised instantly how he felt and how I had been feeling recently. So, I sat up.... And he kissed me.
I had a boyfriend about 2 months ago and he made me feel alive and my emotions went into overdrive. This was different somehow. He made me feel comfortable, happy, loved again. It wasn't the same as my first kiss but it was amazing all the same.
Over the next 3 days, we did exactly the same thing. We'd talk about our day for a bit and then just hugged and kissed for a long time.... ^_^ (this may be awkward to read but, why on earth are you reading it then?) Then, it was gone.
During the week, I had started to feel really edgy. Woman intuition that I hadn't ever heard from was building up each day and, on the last day, I realised I should have listened to it....
We were kissing and he was knelt beside me, in the act of getting music from his bag. Then the door opened. We pulled away quickly and my heart fell out of my chest when I saw.... my music teacher.
:O Also the organiser/conductor of the orchestra, he had come in to get some more stands from the room and he gave us a weird look. He told us to take three stands to the bottom of the stairs leading to the orchestra's room. When he left, I let out a breath I'd held and so did he. We looked at each other.
About half an our later, we were kissing again (daaamn...) and the door opened again. My first thought was "for f***s sake, we're screwed" but I didn't realise we were more than just screwed. My music teacher had come back and put two and two together (no pun intended).
He ordered me to take the stands, that I hadn't taken already, to the bottom of the stairs. As I left, I heard him say my boy's name...
My heart fell from my shaking hands and shattered across the floor. I picked up the pieces and put them in my pocket to fix later.
That was all I heard of the conversation because I just ran to the stairs and shivered with fear, cold and humiliation. He was in trouble and he was hurting because of me. I knelt on the floor for about 15 minutes before I had the courage to go back. I checked our room but all that was left was my bags. I searched the whole block but couldn't find him. I sat with some girls in the changing rooms, sung songs from someone's iPod in the dance room and walked around aimlessly. I finally went back to the room to pack up my bag. I realised I left my phone on the piano and when I went to get it, he had sent me a text...
I found him in the graphics room. He sat doing some work at a computer but when he heard me come in, he walked towards me, gesturing that we should go out side the room (there was a teacher in there).
He told me what I had feared. We couldn't be together. (If you're reading this and think age gaps are disgusting, you can get lost.) I won't say how far our age gap is but it's too far for the world today. I told him I understood and I felt better for having faced this now. But I saw it hurt him. His once loving eyes had a tint of grief, sadness and despair.
I told him honestly that I understood and that I wanted to stay friends. But his grief will get in the way of us now. He wouldn't look at me for the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning and realised that my life had just been changed once again. Now I need a hug and a sympathetic ear from my friends. I want to find a way to say, I am the kind of person who hates seeing people upset and won't stop until they're happier. I feel that is my purpose in life. But now... I've hurt someone and I hate myself for it. I'm not thinking at all about how I feel, only about those sad sad eyes. HOW CAN I HELP HIM?????
I'm starting to cry because of his pain just as I do when I think about other people being sad.... Now I definitely need the four greatest friends in the world right now. They know who they are.