What am I supposed to be doing?
You drop me off here and promise me the world, and then what? Nothing. I hear nothing. I see nothing. I feel nothing. I am repeating a meaningless schedule day after day, and I feel like I could be doing so much more.
I feel that I am caught in a paradox. The very thing that brought me here is that which I wish to escape. My violin. It has given me everything unto this day. Literally. I would not be here right now if it wasn't for this piece of wood. But I don't wish for it any more. I've become disenchanted with the idea of pursuing a career in such a field. In fact, nothing music-related seems to fulfill me any more. I simply cannot imagine chasing this kind of life.
But what do I do? After you've been doing something for so long, it becomes ingrained in who you are. How am I supposed to find another niche? What other possibilities are there? I've tried every combination and every permutation, but nothing seems to fit. It all just comes out meaningless.
My greatest fear is this: Being trapped in a career that doesn't fulfill me, and never finding a career that does fulfill me.
So God, wherefore art thou absent from me?