Okay, so I don't know why I'm writing this here, but it's been on my mind and I have no-one that I can tell the entire situation. So here it is. It's a long story. It's a bit mature. I won't go into details, but it involves a sexual relationship and some pot smoking.

I'm not being abused. I've never been raped. I'm not suicidal. I haven't lost so much weight from nerves that my parents are starting to worry. My parents are kind to me. I'm not even severely depressed... well, not constantly.

But I couldn't get out of bed until 4:30 today, because of you. Yeah, I thought it was all going to be fine about a month ago when you suddenly started talking to me again, out of the blue. I thought we could just be friends even after all of the stupid stuff that happened all those years ago when you broke up with me and then lied and lied and lied.

So when you suggested we start smoking pot together, I was excited, I'll admit. I like smoking; I don't have many people to do it with. But then I realised I couldn't pay for what I was smoking, but it didn't matter, right? Because you thought I was attractive, I could just play around with you - blowjobs, you know, the usual - and it would be fine.

Except I severely misjudged two things. Firstly, you're older and much more experienced. Blowjobs just don't cut it anymore. And I'm a virgin. I'm not losing it to a boy like you. Not over pot.

But the other thing is much more important. You don't really do friends with benefits, you treat me like I'm your girlfriend. Except I'm not. So going into this, I assume I can control my emotions like a big girl... But I didn't count on you acting this way. You haven't changed a bit.

So finally, I confront you. I admit, I mistimed it. We were both high, it was late at night. But I controlled my temper and my tongue and put it to you logically - that I simply couldn't do it if you treated me like your girlfriend. I told you to make a decision. Treat me like one of the guys or make me your girlfriend.

You wouldn't answer me for days. I had to push you to even speak to me, but I finally got an answer. You said no. You said you were bad at relationships - you're the best boyfriend I've ever had - and you told me you'd try to control yourself.

Except then Friday night we went to your house. After a couple hours playing about in your bed, you asked me when I was going to let you screw me. I told you I was a virgin, you must not have heard the first time. Okay, well, hmmm.

You said you were too far into it to just let it go. You said it was awful because you were already devising plots to take my v-card. I told you there was only one foreseeable situation in which you could get that from me. You said you knew. 

Then later that night, after you took me back to my car from Bob's, you said you kinda liked me, which made the whole situation worse. I said I knew... but I didn't tell you I was surprised you even told me. I thought you'd be too afraid. Your last girl, your fiancee, yes, she left you to go to England. And you hardly ever express what you want anyways, because of your family, I think. You just lie when trying to please everyone becomes too much. You run away. You always have.

I was afraid to see your family again after so long, honestly they frighten me. But your sister was sweet to me, and your mum wasn't so bad either. I actually liked to see her this time around. Not like it used to be. I can see that she's just a person now. 

So yes, I'm afraid. I hate you. During the week, I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me all those six years ago, I hate you for lying so well, I hate you for what's going on now, I hate you for what you could be, I hate you for what you're not, I hate you for what you do to me and what you make me feel. But you're the only person who can make me feel this way. 

And when I'm around you, everything's okay. I don't care. All I can see is why I once loved you. Who you really are. How you treat me. How you make me scream. How it feels to be in your arms again. How nice it is to talk to you and laugh with you. How I love the way you think. And I love your friends. They accept me and I don't have to pretend around them, although I'm practically mute when I am. And just for a little while I can pretend that everything is alright.

So if you asked me right now, I'd say yes. I'd be your girlfriend. I'll be honest, I don't trust you, but I have faith that you can fix that. Neither of us have much time for a relationship. We only have a bit in common. But being young is for being stupid, right? And if it somehow works we'd have the most beautiful thing in the world. So take a chance. Ask me. 

The End

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