My home life, it's never been very good, in fact it's generally been cr*ppy, especially since my parent's split; that was years ago, but it still hurts so much, like all the time, cos it's never really been sorted. I hardly see my dad, but I've always been a daddy's girl. I miss him so much, yet I can't tell my mum that cos she gets angry and/or upset every time I mention him. Like this morning, me and mum had a massive arguement. We always argue, but I never shout back, I normally just take it and wait for her to finish ranting before I respond or just walk away, but today I couldn't do that. She started saying all sorts of things about me, horrible things, like that I was manipulative, that i use people for my own means, that I turn on the water works when I don't get my own way, that I'm just attention seeking, all sorts of horrible things like that, and I just couldn't let it go. I shouted back and the arguement just got worse and worse and worse til she said I might as well just move out cos I never bother to participate in anything with the rest of the family, and that I only ever do things when it suits me, that I only ever help out with things around the house or whatever when she asks me to, and that I always complain even when I do.... That's complete bullsh*t! I never moan about it, and I'm always doing extra little things around the house for her, that most of the time she doesn't even notice I'm doing. She goes on about my laziness and how I take everything for granted and about how my life is so easy because she doesn't make me get a job or do all the housework or anything like that. I do voluntary work for a charity for crying out loud!! that's another one of her rants. That I'm inconsiderate and that I never help anyone else or do anything unless it suits me. How can she say that when I am constantly helping other people, either in the charity shop, or as a shoulder to cry on, or offering advice to everyone else I know, or God knows what else? She doesn't seem to realise how much the things she says affect me. Like with the manipulative and inconsiderate accusations. Or like this morning in the arguement, she started having a go at me again because I'm dating someone 4 years older than me. I'm happy, so bloody happy with Rhys; we've been together for 3 months this weekend, and it's great. I finally told her that we're dating and she uses his age against me, saying that it's a really bad thing, and acting as though I just told her that I am a prostitute in my spare time. It's like, what the hell?! I'm still a virgin and proud, yet she doesn't seem to notice I'm not a slut like she was. She lost her virginity at 15, met my dad at 16 (he's 7 years older than her, which is so much worse than 4 years) and was pregnant at 18. She was always skipping school to drink with her mates, go to parties, smoke, take drugs. I've never done anything like that. I don't go to parties, I don't smoke, I don't take drugs, I rarely drink, and that's only when she knows about it. I spend all my time studying, writing, reading or playing games. How am I a bad daughter? She can't seem to see me as anything but a bad daughter. Everything I do, I feel like it's not good enough, because I'm trying to impress her, to make her proud, yet she doesn't care. I started a school newsletter/paper thing! she just shrugged. I get pretty good grades, she doesn't care. The latest development as far as she's concerned is that she doesn't reckon I'll be able to cope in uni, cos I supposedly can't even cope with the amount of school work I get at the moment. I'm already terrified of the idea of going off to uni, and then she says things like that and it just makes everything worse! I wanted to go to a german uni, but she said she didn't want me to go, so I gave up on that idea, because without her support, I know that I'm not strong enough to go for something that ambitious. Now it looks like she won't even bother to support me in going to an english uni. I'm supposed to be applying now and I honestly don't see the point anymore. I'm not going to get the grades to get in, no one seems to care what happens, and at the end of the day, I seem to just be stuck in this place, with no way of getting out of it. It's so horrible, and I just hate being stuck here. I want to get out, but if I do go to uni there's no point in moving out now, or even going onto the housing association list because I'd be off to uni by the time I got a house, and if I don't go to uni, I need to go on the list, but that would cause even more strain at home, as well as tying me down even more to this place. What the hell am I supposed to do to get away? The longer I stay, especially with the constant arguements and problems, the worse my depression gets, and the only way that seems to improve is by getting away, and spending time with dad, but I can't just move in with him cos him, my step-mum and half brother are living in a tiny flat. They've said I can crash on the sofa if I need to, but it would just cause more problems for them. I've got a room at my nan's, but once again that would cause more problems between my mum and nan, when it's already strained. My friends have offered to help, but I'd just impose on them, which just isn't fair, when they've all got their own problems already.
Sorry, that was a ridiculously long rant (over a thousand words, ooops). rant over. x