Here I Go Again.Mature

"I've forgotten what it feels like to feel like I'm worth it"
Although, I guess 'good enough' would be more relevant than 'worth it' to me. Kate Mcgill, you've forgotten what it feels like to feel worth it? Me too.
I'm told by certain teachers that I need more confidence:
Physics was "tell me when you don't understand - have the confidence to ask."
Geography, "you are so able, you say uou cannot do it yet you produce some fantastic work. Believe in your abilities" I.e. have confidence in yourself! She did however then proceed to inform me that I'm rubbish at tests so I guess her 'confidence-boost' was of little meaning anyway.
Chemistry, "Why don't you, for once, come into a lesson saying "I can do this" rather than always thinking you can't?" I replied that being optimistic just makes you more upset when you do everything wrong.
And maths sort of with our little conversation "You have two A*s of three so far!" "I'm not sure how..." "Because, believe it or not, you are capable of getting the A*s?!"
They're all telling me I need to be confident in class and I need to be confident in my abilities but what nobody else seems to realise is that every single day it is getting harder for me to try to reach for this confidence. The confidence which everybody wants me to have is just slipping further and further away from my grasp.
When we are not doing poetry in English, I literally spend full fifty minute lessons just wanting to hide. I don't want to contribute by answering questions because I am so convinced that everything I say will be wrong. I don't want to try harder with my homeworks or the writing tasks we do in class because every single time I try I'm told it isn't good enough. No matter how much effort I put into it, it is always wrong.
And yet, Miss Dean, you seem to think that I am more enthusiastic this year. I want to cry every time you set a writing task because you have completely destroyed every shred of self-confidence I had related to English... and you think I'm more enthusiastic? You're wrong.
I am drowning in a pool of confusion in biology and I spend my lessons either being completely baffled and bewildered by the knowledge of the rest of the class, trying to understand what is going on or sleeping. I have lost my drive for biology because it just hurts to be so enthusiastic about something and yet still be so terrible at it.. and my teacher tells me I have improved; that my attitude has improved. The only implication of improved attitude is the fact that I sit next to Gareth who is a lot more skilled at not getting into trouble than my previous partners. Gareth is literally the only reason I enjoy biology. And even so, I spend the entire lesson willing it to be over.. watching the clock.
Spanish is my all-time favourite subject and yet my grades are just.. not good enough. Like me, I'm not good enough. And the worst part is that to improve I have to dumb it down... after this comment my teacher warned me not to lose enthusiasm, to keep my driven attitude but in all honesty all I'm doing is losing enthusiasm. Every second a little more of my love for Spanish disappears into the atmosphere, lost forever. Because at least when a teacher tells you that you are not hitting your targets because you are not clever enough, you can improve.. but what do you say when he tells you that you are too smart or that you need to stop trying so hard in the exams..?
And I really don't have the time in my life to complain about art.

Nothing I ever do is good enough. And I honestly feel like I am just not worth the teachers' time.

"I've forgotten what it feels like to feel like I'm worth it"
I just feel like a failure.

The End

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